b l a c k p a p e r d o l l

epicness...

2012-02-13T10:09:00.002+03:00

As stated, today is Monday. Hari yang paling ramai org x suka...termasuk aku. Walaupun aku dh tak kje. Best jugak bila berhenti kerja nih. Duduk rumah, jaga mak, main ngn kucing, jalan2 dengan kawan2...heaven. Tp heaven ni x lama...time tu, terpaksalah pasrahkan diri n redha. It has been awhile since my last long post. Since that day, byk perkara berlaku yang aku sendiri pun mcm nak muntah kalo nak cerita. My sister nyaris cerailah, aku kne tikam lumat kat ofislah, kena oppressed ngn cuzin sndirilah, keta kena pecah ngn beg2 aku kena curi, tertinggal flight laa, mak sakit teruk, bil hospital smpi 10k, pastu jual keta lg ...haishh mcm2. But nevertheless, masih ade good memories jugak..here n there. The best so far bila aku berjaya resign dengan style nye...dan dpt offer lg better, hopefully lg better place and environment lah. Harap2, aku takkan kuar mulut crocodile masuk mulut T-Rex.

Last friday, aku let go hubby aku, Black Myvi, Putrajaya 7051 a.k.a TOSI. Mula2 ade org dtg, wat inspection, tgk2 keta sumer and offer aku good pricelah. Well, memikirkan aku dh tak mampu nak tanggung byr bulan2 plus buyer nk letak good price, aku pun agreelah. Konon2, aku fikir atleast dpt laa poket money sikit. Then, on friday tu dtg laa mamat 2 ekor ni nk amik keta, dh siap sign laa segala menda, aku pun terimalaa duit hasil penjualan keta tu tadi. Sblom tu aku dah borak2 laa ngan TOSI, aku wish dia selamat dapat tuan baru, yg boleh bela dia elok2, and sayang mcmana aku sayang, although aku kurang mampu dr segi kewangan untuk bikin dia lebih sket kasi nmpak hensem, tp...aku mmg sayang and sentiasa gantung harap pada dia. Aku rasa dia akan ok, and mungkin dia redha laa kena tukar tuan baru nnti.

Dah amik duit, aku pun masuk laa dlm cepat2, and stand behind the tinted sliding door. TOSI pun berlalu pergi. Lepas tu, mulut aku pun jadi squarelah...kenapa? Ape lagi...melalak laa tak hingattt duniaa!! Gilaa tuhh, 7 tahun tuhhh, lama giler setia bersama...duit dr hasil titik peluh sndiri nih, bulan2 byr sndiri..segala rosak ape bagai, siap saman ke tarik ke ape ke..sumer bayar sndiri. Waaaaa~ smpi sekarang pun aku masih tak get over it lg sbenarnya. Everytime teringat keta tu...mmg sebak je. Rindu.... rindu sgt.

Keta tu lah yang bawak aku kehulu kehilir, xde eksiden xde ape...kereta tu jugak laa aku rajin wat kje giler, teman aku smpi genting, smpi PD, JB, whenever however I want. Kereta tu jugak saksi aku jatuh bangun dlm berkawan, dalam bercinta...ok..super sedih dah!!

Kepada TOSI, meyi minta maaf kalau tak jaga dengan baik masa kita bersama...ade time meyi malas nk jaga TOSI and biar TOSI berabuk memanjang. Luka2, calar balar tu mmg kalau berduit, meyi nk ubatkan..sapu kan cat dan polish sampai hensem...tp meyi tak mampu lagi. Thanks TOSI for all your sacrifices during your years with me, I will cherish each and every memories we had together forever and always. Salam sayang, Meyi.

Kalaulah TOSI faham...

Anyway, aku dah mula menghitung hari nih...ade lagi 5 hari to go...to be with my mom and dad. Ntah bilaa lah dpt berjumpa lagi. Aku dah pun minta ampun maaf in advance especially to mummy. I'm scared I can't be there when or if she's in need. I told her, if I can't make it to see you before Allah SWT take you away, I want to apologize for not able to help you to say the Kalimah Syahadah for the last time and I am truly sorry and will be regret if I did not get to bathe you and help to kaffan you for the last time, it is my chance and ways to repay abit jasa and pengorbanan since my birth. I hope I will get the chance to bathe you like how you bathe me and to dressed you like how you dressed me neatly. And I hope I also get to do the Solat Jenazah for you. I am your only daughter mummy, and I want to be the one to do everything for you for the last time. I hope and pray, Allah SWT will grant my wish. Mummy told me dia xnak aku regret if anything should happen. She said I have to be strong as I always have been...and bersabar. I hope I will and I hope I can be a better human one day so that I can be reunited with my family in the after life, insya allah.

Dulu, aku x pernah nak terfikir sgt ttg nih. Especially tentang mati. Mana aku nak tuju, ape aku nak hadap. Aku sentiasa takut nk fikir tentang tu. Even sekarang pun masih laa jugak takut. Takut2 pun buat gak dosa2...susahlaa. Manusiakan, senang diinfluenced, senang lalai, byk songeh, byk persoalkan benda2 yang mengarut. Mak kata, kalau risau atau sedih atau ape skali pun, even gembira, zikirlah byk2, and sentiasa sedekah segala ape yg boleh sedekah...senyum, harta, ilmu...semua. Harap suatu hari nnti, hidup lebih bermakna....tp jgnlaa harap mcm kubur jd terang benderang laa..wangi2 laa..etc. Ehe...iye mak oii!

ahahahahhaahaa...camana plak bley terlintas adegan silly mak ngah aku nih!! demmit. we had a doa selamat on last saturday for me and all the arwahs. masa cuzin get together ni, mmg bley pecah rumah tu ngn gelak ketawa kitorang. yang paling epik, ade makcik sedara aku ni, mak ngah, tua tp comel. comel sbb action dia. mak ngan ni untung, married to a wealthy man, tp she's very down to earth. so, one day, she was at the toll area and forgot to bring her SmartTag, instead of going thru the Tunai lane, dia pegi masuk kat lane Touch n Go. My mom was with her. She ask my mom why the palang wont open, coz dia dah touch the touch n go box. My mom went hillarious. EPIC ever!!! Kak Ngah, tmpat tu kena touch dengan card lah, bukan dengan tangannn!!! hahahahaha...cutenesss overload. Bwk BMW nih...tp comel je...touch ngn tangan...hahahahahhah. Pecah perut laa mcm ni...i love all my aunties..sumer crazy funny, loving and sweet.

Meaning...bertambah2lah rindu nnti....

jangan pijak badak, pijak semut xpe...

2012-01-23T23:07:00.000+03:00

sekarang baru aku sedar kenapa aku benci tahi dengan politik ni. some say politik ni ade pentingnya, bagi aku tak langsung…yeah true it can be good if politicising enactment or policies for good cause…tp kalo dh terbabas ke personal interest, it'll do more harm than good…

today, aku kena lagi…untuk kali ke berapa nth tersepit dipijak2 berserta ludahan kerana suka sangat bersifat mahmudah tanpa sebab. eh eh…ade sebab. kena hina sebab buat kerja terlebih…ok aku rasa sedikit short circuit sekarang. frasa hidup mana yang hebat sangat bila rajin tu jd satu kesalahan? bukanlaa aku nk kata aku ni rajin, kalo boleh mmg tak hingin nak keje pun, tp bila kena marah maki hamun sebab buat kerja lebih and tolong buat keje org…aku rasa cam bek duduk rumah je.

tapi surprisingly, instead aku rebel, this time aku diam…bukan pasal cong coolness, aku just go numb. pelik ngan pangai manusia skang, menda simple mcm ni pun nk jd big deal, asal boleh nk jadi kan marah tu mcm hobi atau trend terkini…x boleh ke duduk diam, buat kje sendiri, jaga tepi kain sndiri, jgn memekak2…

anyhow…life has to go on…the truth will reveal it self…sooner or later…:D

pekak otak…buta hati

2012-01-23T23:03:00.005+03:00

hello, tu bukan life scope aku ye…nk porak perandakan life org is not my expertise nor my aims in life. some human can be so oblivion of what they say and do dan org macam aku yg mmg blur ttg socialism ni, yg jilat racun2nya tanpa sebab. gimme good reason for doing that? masalah aku sendiri pun xle nk settle, ni nak skydive ttg hal org lain…

sedarlaa wei, tu salah kau sendiri. beli laa cermin sebesar dinding, cermin diri baek2 sebelum tuduh2 orang x tentu pasal. aku rasa aku dh lama kot x amik port tentang kau, bukan kau je…sumer org kot. BFF aku pun dh lama aku tak contact, alih2 aku bley terjebak dalam masalah kau plak…pecer? rimas betul dengan org camni…

ade jugak human yang makan darah daging sendiri, karnivor…eh ye ke? hahahaha…lantak. aku le makanan tuh…mamah smpi ketulang, dr elok sihat…terus dapat insomnia. keje macam haram…siang malam kena fikir. nk jadi ape aku ni? ingat aku xde hal sendiri ke nak buat? xde family ke nak tatang, asik nk fikir tentang keje je…bosan, tau x bosan? waste my life and my time working for others but not for me. just try to step back and think…put yourself in my shoes for a sec…ermm..ok…you can't really fit into my size maybe…yeah, i think i have to understand that too…sucksss!

and againlah, me in reading and will read again, this is just another reminder…

Symptom papercut

2011-12-30T20:15:00.001+03:00

'wei pe kbar?'
'sihat...ko pecite?'
'ok je...kt mn ni?'
Oo aku kt kl...mlm nnti nk gerak kg. ko bz ke?klo x jom lepak jap, lama x jumpa'
'siyes ko kt kl?!!, ok ok...ptg nti aku try kuar opis awl...jumpa tmpt biasa k?'
'ok...aku tunggu'

Memori ni baru shj aku kronyok dr saraf otak n slmat aku humban dlm longkang. Manusia semua sama! True friend does not exist...so remember girl, x perlu ikhlas sgt berkwn...x pyh syg lebih2...stakat salam niat je pun xpe...sbb bila diorg lupa kau girl, kau yg sakit makan hati...mcm papercut...nth bila kena...tau tau berdarahhh je...pedih? Jgn cakaplaaaa

Wordjab#1

2011-11-26T10:39:00.001+03:00

its fun to live in a fantasy world…but the reality, although its not perfect…sometimes it can be good.

noktah yang tertindih

2011-10-29T14:23:00.001+03:00

Sesudut tanah ini
Bini bini makanan anak
Makanan anak makan dek ayah
lihatlah oleh mu sang pari-pari…
seram yang harmoni

Liberal angkuh menjadi suci terkulat kulat
Tertakik iktibar dari penyuluh hala
masa kini jadi pendinding pada kebenaran
yang hanyut terus hanyut dan leka dan seronok
yang rajin terus rajin dan terus juga hanyut dan leka dan seronok

dan ayah makan anak, bini, adik beradik
abang dan kakak senyum kerana masa itu maha melindungi
memanglah yang hanyut masih hanyut...

lantaran itu wahai pari-pari…
kutiplah noktah2 tertindih itu…
tiada yang mirip dalam segala paksi
perbedaan itu tetap wujud dalam persamaan

screening the wishlist

2011-10-28T09:09:00.000+03:00

Rubbish!! As I sat down and over viewing my claims. I was called by the big boss this morning. I'd be pleased if I got scolded regarding my work instead of my claim format. Somebody in the Financial department making a big 'Hoo Haa' on my claim format to the boss. Wadehel! I don't understand politics, seriously. Why in this whole world does politic matters much? Everybody now days is politically competent and politicizing as much as possible on almost everything. Politicizing the politics by politician? How crap can that be?

Nobody cares nobody now. Everyone is so uptight with their personals and neglecting the surroundings. Including me. I'm as guilty as everyone else.

And Gaddafi is dead~! and somehow it's a celebration for some people. I don't practice this. There is no way you can celebrate about any lost soul, demmit!

Deep inside me, I miss the old days. Hang around with friends after office hours, going for gigs and shows, travel or even just having good cute chats and scrolling interesting posts on Facebook, watching Korean Dramas, attending Piano lessons, gym and all. I'm pushing the limits now. I know I am so uptight with works, but I have to squeeze some of the time to do gym. I have to if not I will die.

Ooooh..good offer in Groupon 7D5N in Tokyo!!! How I wishhh....^__^

So many things happen since the last entry. I was offered scholarship to do masters and also, I have cyst in my organ. Very the cliche kan? I really hope I still have the time to full fill my dreams.

...and here it goes...

I wish I can understand my self and my life better. I wish I can learn more from mistakes to be better person. I wish I can love everyone in this whole world without any prejudice. I wish I can see more beautiful relation blooming everyday. I wish one day I have my own running company. I wish one day I can live and work abroad again. I wish one day I will be married to someone that love me for who I am. I wish I can make tonnes of art and paintings with my children. I wish I can help my parents to buy a better home. I wish I can stand and pray in front of Kaabah with mummy and daddy. I wish...and I wish for so many more happy moments that I hope I can create.

I wish I have a healthy life to wish for more happy moments...

Jampi

2011-10-23T19:42:00.001+03:00

Terhidrat sebelum cair
Lumpuh sebelum tertatih
Lisan lisan terkunci rapi membenar ratap hati
Langsungkanlah cahaya itu pada bulan
Sebagai teman dan penawar malam
Lilitkan embun pada kelopak kelopak yang rajin
Supaya wangi pagi kekal ke petang
Nafaslah dengan indah malam dan sucinya pagi
Moga sembuh...moga sembuh...

a step back

2011-10-17T15:31:00.000+03:00

Yep, its been a while. Just today, something came a cross my mind. There's saying about marriage in Islam, about being a umat Rasullullah is through marriage. What if I don't get married? What if I grow old alone? Will I not be the 'umat'? Will I be cast away and stand among the unwanted? Segregated by my own faith? I'm not a pious person nor my surroundings. I have no answers to this but only questions. I dream to be back with my creator and with my love ones, one day, and I hope and pray that day will come true. There are so many ways and the most popular way, among the women, is by marriage. A shortcut, like one way ticket to heaven. As long as you're faithful to your husband and believe in Shahadah, everything will just be fine. That is if! If not? If the one that you need to be faithful to is an animal in disguise? What would you do? I guess, that's when the word 'Sabar' took place. Insya Allah, as promised, heaven will be your home.

Rewind.

If not married? What if you die before you even have the chance to go for a date? Where will you stand? Are you doomed? Yes to most human. To the creator? I don't think so.

voicemail

2011-09-17T22:06:00.000+03:00

hello teman
tak payah susah2
i'm not that easy tapi bukan hebat
cuma kurang mampu
its not available for now
to all but him

hello teman
khabarkan pada aku bila waktu itu
dengan terang, jelas dan nyata
agar my heart can be free
and hope one day
ia mampu beating a new rhythm

hello teman
aku kurang bicara
its not easy tapi bukan tak mahu
aku masih tak mampu
diam is the best way
walau sometimes aku sering lemas

hello teman
aku mungkin pathetic
tapi masih ada yang aku mampu
doa2 dan kasih sayang
dari jarak yang jauh
dari dimensi yang berbeza
cukupkah?
aku harap cukup
buat masa ini

i laugh my intestine out loud reading this..thanx mariana!!!^___^

2011-09-04T18:19:00.000+03:00

I Wish You Never Groomed Me Up Weird ;)

by Mariana Isa on Saturday, September 3, 2011 at 12:58am

Dear Lecturers of Skudai School of Architecture,

As much as we (some of your ex students) would like to believe that we’ve managed to keep true to the very core of our architectural school of thought and values, the truth is we’re pretty much losing out to the Corporate-Scumbag Masters. What has managed to keep us going is the self-integrity that you’ve instilled in us since we were 17 (also read as extremely big ego) and our ongoing wishful thinking for the architectural scene to change (true powers of optimism).

Don’t get me wrong. My days in the land of idealism, socialism and humanism were the best of times. Caged within an estate of UTM bureaucracy, my friends and I thrived on the idea of design revolution, paradigm shifts and cultural rebellion. I admit all these pretty much revolved internally among us students (yes, in lecture halls we pretended we wanted to be spoon fed) but hardcore ideals did become our savior and in response to the intellectual repression that was going on (i.e Surat Aku Janji and all that political crap), we developed an extremely nasty sense of humor as our ultimate form of escapism (refer to violent humor in Sogol Mulok’s fb threads).

I thank you for the development of our social consciousness, heritage awareness and highly formed work ethics (we now meet our deadlines all the time via strenuous hours in the office). There is nothing quite like the world you introduced us to – where imagination can run amok, mysticisms of the old malay world gets unfolded and innovations that respond to context can change the world. This 'Lost World' we place close to our hearts when facing our daily battles with Corrupt-Tak-Tahu-Segan-Silu Government Officers, Kiasu-Perasan-Bagus Project Managers and Tetuan Client-Suka-Bawa-Pistol-Pergi-Site.

That said, in all humbleness, I would like to suggest the following topics to be included in the School’s syllabus:

- The Hardships of Corporate Slavery

- Developers are the Penghulu Iblis

- Never Underestimate the Power of Stupid People

- When asked to Bribe, Spit on Them

- Don’t Date your Classmates, Date Oil & Gas M&E Students.

- Architects are Poor, but we too can be Happy

- You’re not a Weirdo, You just have Wicked Opinions

Much Love,

Mariana of Isatopia ;)

p/s: i still live among the idealists, socialists and humanists.

sigh

2011-09-04T01:04:00.001+03:00

it sucks when i know that i need to let go but i can't because i'm still waiting for the impossible to happen. you're amazing n i ♥ u, but i'm not waiting forever, so if u want me in you're life, tell me before I give up on you n move on...

Rockin' the winding road!

2011-08-24T09:30:00.008+03:00

Tangan sejuk2 kebas, mata berpinar seakan2 tv off siaran, sendi2 mengetat...rebah tu boleh jadi any moment bila saja mata aku menatap statement itu. He's no more available...doa2 aku macam melayang terapung2...dan pecah menghilang. Mungkin aku terlalu mengharap. Mungkin kerana dia sahaja yang aku rasa selesa dan mungkin juga dia yang memang aku tunggu dari dulu tapi aku kurang yakin untuk 'transparent'. Hari ini hanya hari biasa...tetapi perit untuk aku lalui. Otak ni rajin nak replay mode.

Dia itu umpama senja...setiap saat mampu buat ku senyum. Segala keletah, gelak ketawa, gelabah sana sini, sakat menyakat atau hanya borak kosong mampu buat takat stress aku menjunam turun. Itulah warna-warna dia...maaacamm senja tu. Hilang segala risau, marah, bosan dan benci...tapi dia bukan hak aku. Dia hanya dia...yang aku mampu sayang dari sudut yang berbeda.

Ada suara yang berbunyi...ini karma terhadap perlakuan aku dulu. Iya itu mungkin, tapi aku masih ada hak jugak untuk memilih dan lantaran itu segala yang terjadi bukanlah tidak sengaja. Justeru itu, aku akur juga kehendak yang lain utk memilih, lalu aku memilih utk diam saja. Tidak mungkin peluang utk mentranslasi permasalahan dlm minda mudahnya seperti makan. Waktu juga berlumba2 mengusutkan peluang. Jadi, apa perlu aku ribut utk menyatakan rasa hati? Aku juga sering menitip doa2 penyatuan. Hasil masih tiada. Mungkin kantor koleksi doa2 sedang sibuk.

Impaknya, aku menjadi lebih berusia. Segala kulit ingin segera terbelah2, kendur dan hilang seri. Aku jadi semakin serius. Riang kanak2 dalam diri terbunuh. Hilang daya ingin bersatu dengan apa atau siapa sekali pun. Aku terus bermalas-malasan ingin hidup. But then, aku masih takut juga untuk mati. Lalu aku penuhkan diri dengan bekerja tanpa had. Adakalanya aku muntah kerana terlampau penat. Kadang-kala rehat juga harus dikorbankan 2-3 hari maka 2-3 harilah aku tidak ke tilam.

Sering juga rakan2 bertanya aku tentang berumah tangga. Aku ketawa, sindir diri. Clichekan segala jawapan. Perlukah aku tanya diri mengapa dan kenapa jika aku sendiri kurang pasti? Cemburu? Jangan tanya!

But then again, is this life is all about?

the other muhammad

2011-07-28T22:32:00.003+03:00

pecah berderai sisa-sisa akal kerana bergaduh dengan takdir

salai-salai jiwa hampir rapuh

maka muhammad lalai dan terpijak jerat

jaring2 besi keliling maka pasti

itu yang itu

adapun muhammad sukses bertema doa dan tekad

tuah bukan lagi sepotong hajat

acap saja apa terlintas pasti terhasil baik

indah laluan itu maka pasti

ini yang ini

muhammad muhammad muhammad

agung itu hanya nama bukan penditanya

yang sama bukan sering serupa

detik sama namun waktu berbeda

jalan seiring hala tuju pasti berbeda

tadi sinar kotak kaca menemukan muhammad-muhammad

belenggu menatap terbelenggu

ironi berpelembagaan itu ternyata sadis

dan bukan hadis

'ratio'nal

2011-06-13T06:01:00.009+03:00

antara benar dan salah
dalam titik ke satu titik itu
dari mula hingga akhir
nisbah itu masih berbalah
jaraknya seperti apa yang cocok diukur atau ditimbang?
maka nisbah itu sering bermula saring

kenalkan induk-nya nisbah itu
adakalanya beransuran hilang tanpa gantian
si soal dan si jawab yang syukur tiada kemaluan
mungkin bernama tapi tidak terdengar
juga beriman tidak diwaris
yang tertatih tanpa dunia penjantinaan
maka nisbah juga tiada kemaluan

jelma-nya dari jeram2 proletariat itu bukan
dan bukan juga dari kolam2 patrisian
namun saring-saring itu sering
terindu-rindu, berulang-ulang

nah...rindu siapa yang mahu
rasa-nya apa? warna-nya apa?
maka campuran itu adalah ia...
adakah ia?
ayuh! hayunkan uncang-uncang soalan
mana mungkin serapnya sesaat
perlu dihenjut biar terasa, biar berwarna
biar pekat rindu-nya

nisbahkan itu berserta rindu, berentak ulangan
kerana bila ada pendua dan keramaian
paksi itu terus kekal pincangnya

Peringatan! Pondok Pengaduan telah dimansuhkan.

2011-05-31T10:49:00.005+03:00

H:M (NA)

"Okay, that's it! You are so disturbed. Pathetically useless and immature! Wake up laa fool. When will you realize that you are no more than a big fat gigantic burden on his shoulder. Babe, if aku ni balak ko pun, aku tinggalkan je!"

Yep, kata2 atas ini adalah sebahagian intisari hati aku yang sangat meluap2 untuk menempelak sebutir rakan yang kurang fasih bernyawa. Bukan perlu tersuluh pun kecelakaan yang tertimpa, memang terang nyata dan dia masih buta, sebuta2 periuk belanga dirumah aku. Bila berlaga baru berdesing bunyi.

Aku tak nafi, aku pernah mengarut sekarut dia dahulu. Betrayal was horrible and hurtful, especially from someone you love the most. But that is your wake up call...unless you prefer the snooze mode. Cukuplah sekali, but to allow such thing to repeat again, from the same person, on the same reasons, i will happily pass on. I don't think I deserve to be treated like such. But that darn dear friend of mine, is loosing it. And me, sebagai pondok pengaduan, haruslah menjalankan tugas yang tak semena2 berbakol2 kena hadap. Kalau nasihat aku ni macam surat saman, dah lama dah aku kaya saman budak ni.

Ape bess nyer balak member ni? Yeah...yang best nyer no one knows if this guy really exist or not. Dari cerita2 dia, mamat ni agak good looking laa, ala2 mamat cerita Adamaya tuh...offshore brat (maknanya duit berkepoklaa- hek ade aku kisah!), family loaded, intelectual, all-in-one, mcm kopi segera yg aku minom pepagi.

Tapi, kalo kopi segera tu sedap, slambe je ley bancuh lagi…tp kalo kopinya manis smpi kaki buleh putus, bek xyah kot. Useless.

So, kepada diri aku sendiri, sila jangan enthusiast sgt nak jadi pondok pengaduan. Life is short. Banyak lagi menda lain yg aku patut kisah dr kisah2 dongeng hikayat life org lain. Tapi kopi itu perlu dan pasti enak utk diminum every morning…jom bancuh segelas!!^__^

kehendak vs keperluan

2011-05-17T11:41:00.002+03:00

mahukah kau merasa ku lagi
setelah detik itu
aku masih bercaturan

mahukah kau melintas acara
yang berlalu itu semalam
dan hati masih bergetar

resah bukan lagi kepayahan
penantian itu agung
sabar hanya mitos yang mendamping

dalam lilitan-lilitan pencaturan...

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Mother's Day

2011-05-12T16:11:00.004+03:00

senyum-senyuman di pagi itu
sanggul ikal menjadi rapi
kain berganti
bibir tersolek indah
menanti tangan memimpin tangan
itu dia

dan hari itu
harus segera terurus tanpa lelah
mengganti lelah yang mengulat dan berbisa
bertahun-tahun
dan senyum-senyum itu penawar
aku dan dia
sejak tadi masih senyum-senyum
ku lihat alam ikut serta
mungkin hari ini hari yang bahagia
jelas pengorbanan itu indah bagi yang benar2 terkorban

dan aku
layak tersenyum-senyum juga di hari itu
juga bersolek dan bersanggul
layak tangan dipimpin tangan-tangan

sialan
ketetapan itu masih menentang
seraya bintang-bintang turut menangis
terkorban tak terjelas

666 Smelly Alley

2011-05-10T21:07:00.003+03:00

I hear u and salute
Astounding performance of oppression and segregation
Skate the windings chin up with pride
for you've survive the massacre of injustice
Bring upon you the ignorance you once had
And lay it for supper under the bloody sky of greed
Hum the melody
Hum in harmony
the marching sound of tyranny
and let it be the lullaby for the little ones
to skate the windings chin up with pride

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

mulut dengan kaki sama wangi

2011-05-04T11:17:00.011+03:00

H3:M19

Lunch time! Hari ini aku terasa sangat2 over lapar. So, I've decided to go and find myself a good grilled fish dish. So, I went into a restaurant and they served what i'm craving for. Though the services were super slow and half civilized, I'm more captivated by a few men sitting across my table. There's a man wearing collar t-shirt, cargo pants and a well maintain office shoes and another man which are more talkative, wearing a smart striped blue suit - oversized suit...okay!

Kalau kalian mahu lebih faham, situasi yang terpampang depan mata aku yang baru saja briefly aku describe, itulah situasi mangsa dan pemangsa yang sering terjadi di ibu kota sekarang. Lelaki yang formal suits tapi tulang bahu bajunya melebihi bahu sendiri itu dengan taksub bercerita tentang semangat bekerjasama, kolaborasi antara pihak-pihak, untung rugi bersama2, tata cara kompromi serta paling 'cliche' skali, kita sama2 nak tolong melayu. Phantek!

Aku dah masak dengan percaturan bibir hongeh macam mamat tua ni. Siap dengan tangan bergenggam sebagai tanda penyatuan. Bley blah! Professional Fiction Monger atau lebih biasa dikenali sebagai con-man ini hidup berasaskan penipuan semata. Cerita dia bagai melangit hebat. Mereka ini kenal hampir semua orang2 kaya diseluruh dunia yang 'low profile'. Orang kaya=low profile? Agak2laa...kalo ye sekali pun orang2 kaya ini berusaha gigih sampai terkeluar liang2 roma untuk menjadi halimunan, masakan Traders, Tatlers and Forbes yang dah lama bersengkang mata korek perihal orang2 kaya ni tak membuakkan hasil. Tentu2 mereka yang menjadi con-man ini pun tahu tentang orang2 kaya halimunan atau 'low profile' ini daripada magazine2 ini juga.

Kemudian, seorang perempuan yang agak sudah berumur, dijemput ramah oleh mamat yang berbaju suit tadi. Lagaknya seperti mak Datin, jalan tak pandang lantai, hidung menongkat dan tak pandang kiri kanan. Assalamualaikom makcik! Tak payah nak menyombong dalam restoran yang tak canggih langsung ini. Yep, aku terkilan terhadap sikap makcik itu sebab tak senyum pada aku bukan kerana sekaum atau sejantina atau apa, sebabnya posisi muka makcik itu menghadap depan aku, atleast smile laa sket so that indah pemandangan aku ni for awhile kann? ..well that's one. Another thing is because she surely not a Mak Datin at all. Not a single from her head to toes could potray her as a Mak Datin, scarf kuning gemerlapan ditgh hari, baju kemeja lengan panjang biru coreng2 askar dan skirt putih panjang ala2 denim? wth? erkkk...kesian...kesian. Rasa nak duduk and pat her back and wish her to try hard next time or, even better, don't ever bother to try again. Double-barrel kesian lagi bila makcik tadi disuruh oleh mamat oversized-suit tu duduk di meja kosong bersebelahan dengan lelaki2 tadi. Kesian makcik terpaksa menunggu sang chenta menghabiskan penipuan-penipuan yang belom terlunas. Iyalah, pelanduk sering lupakan jerat, masakan jerat lupakan pelanduk. Dan makcik? hahahahahaaa...

Terhibur aku menonton sandiwara sambil habiskan 'fillet' aku. Nice luncheon today. Hopefully more and more fun fill my days tomorrow. Bukanlaa teringin sangat nak kutuk2 orang sampai macam ini. Aku faham mereka ni berhajat besar nak duduk istana dengan sekelip mata, alias, berusaha mencari segala kekayaan yang disarankan agama, alias, untuk mudah membeli direct passport masuk syurga! Terlangsung bicara tentang ini kerana sudah ramai yang menjadi mangsa2 bibir hongeh ini. Family aku sahaja sudah ramai yang terkena. Bukan sikit jumlah ringgit yang dikebas, beriban2...ada yang sampai habis segala simpanan, tidak kiralah simpanan hari tua ke mahupun hari muda ke...semua selamat pergi kepada poket sproket para bibir-bibir hongeh ni.

Segera aku habiskan lunch aku tadi, aku tak tahan...bengkek!

lelehan emansipasi

2011-04-30T18:57:00.006+03:00

(untuk janjiku pada teman di hari buruh...harap terhibur^__^)

buat setanak nasi dan secangkir kopi miskin itu

tercipta dimensi tuli yang teralih oleh kebahagiaan

pencaturan hidup sehari-hari dibungkam dalam sehari ini

malapetaka apekah yang melanda sehingga herot bimbingan mu

jadi jadian ia bermusim2 sehingga semua alpa dengan kehendak hari itu

jadi jadianlah ia terkuli juga bermusim2

seharusnya musim2 itu semakin mendukung kepincangan hidup

juga antara harga diri dan subsidi

dan antara semangkuk beras dan sebutir keringat yang tidak terdacing sama sekali

lalu bermesralah semua dengan ketulian yang jelas

lalu ratap ia setiap purnama dan setiap itu terngiang2 pada hari ini

jelaskan pada mereka illusi2 hari ini bukanlah obat dan bukanlah penawar

ia hanya sebentuk pelali bagi setiap manikam yang tercacai oleh jauharinya

kolaborasi penjahilan

2011-04-30T17:56:00.005+03:00

H6:M18

There's something about glitters upon the sky that've always facinates me in someways. Even if its just a glitterin' flying toycopter thrown to the wide night sky could make me look up, just like a moment ago. I was strolling down the Jonker Street back to my Tang House motel, a few throws of that toy makes me feel so happy. Must have left some kiddies sumwhere inside me I guess.

Tonight was a night that I'm supposed to recite and share a poem about anything that complement the Labor Day on the 1st of May. Sadly, I can't do that all alone. Though I have planned to go with my buddy, but unfortunately my buddy could not make it. But its fine for me as I have my own ways of celebrating the moment in Malacca...tonnes of shopping! How would I ever complement the labor day by contributing more and more added consumerism value in my life? Dang!! Tapi masih wajar untuk aku mengenangkan hari buruh ini kerana aku sendiri menjadi buruh kepada nafsu yang tak terlandas...dan wajar juga bagi aku untuk bercuti dari menjadi kuli nafsu ini yang sering pancit bila segala keinginan itu terturap.

Selingan, ada orang putih dikamar sebelah...eheee^__^

Maka, cuti yang diisytihar kerajaan kuku besi ini telah digunakan sebaik2 nya oleh kuli2 yang makan gaji bulan dengan berpesta dan beristirehat bersama keluarga. Menjadi satu pedoman bagi anak2 negara kuku besi ini untuk membereskan cuti percuma dengan sebaik2nya walhal tidak langsungnya cuti ini adalah permulaan detik untuk dikulikan semula untuk 364 hari mendatang. Propaganda Amerika ini sangat mulia disanjung dan diberahi diseluruh pelusuk dunia.

Aku tak terkecuali. Bagi aku selagi ada cuti, aku mahu cuti. Banyak lagi perkara yang aku ingin nikmati sebelum mati dari tekun menjadi kuli. Dan kerana itulah, waktu ini aku terletak di Melaka, 'bandar bersejarah'...yang semestinya bandar2 lain juga punya nasib yang sama...dijajah.

Bandar ini lahir sihat dengan penjajahan, begitu juga bandar2 lain di negara kuku besi ini. Sepintas waktu lalu, aku menyusur laluan2 dagangan melaka ini. Sangat asyik melihat telatah manusia berkolaborasi meraikan hari buruh ini. Ternyata gelagat ini sangat2 membuat aku tenang dan gembira. Aku suka pada kesibukan keraian. Walaupun keraian ini keraian yang jahil, tapi aku cukup berterima kasih pada idea-idea penjajahan. Banyak sungguh perubahan yang terjelas pada mata zahir aku. Wadehel kan...gila soothing. Sungai Melaka yang dulunya jijik dipandang manusia, sekarang sibuk bekerja menampung laluan2 bot2 pelancong ke hulu ke hilir. Dan dibandar ini juga, sewaktu aku jenuh mengisi perut yang kosong dari pagi, terdengar hitungan 'clock tower' memecah keriuhan manusia2...trus berkicau segala burung2 memaki kebingitan 'clock tower' dari deretan pokok2 menghijau ditebing sungai Melaka. Indah...nyanyian alam memang indah. Macam okestra...bersahut2 melodi mengikut rentak tersendiri. Nobody can replace or recreate that moment. Aku sangat terkesan dan sayu sambil mengunyah makanan.

Aku susuli dengan bacaaan aku yang tak sudah2 dari dulu. Ada apa dengan penulisan indonesia yang sering buat aku terbuai dan lalai masa?? Asyik terlampau aku dengan penceritaan Andrea Hirata ini. Ini baru satu penulis. Yang lain? Aaaa...aku kalah dengan penulisan rupanya. Kalau mungkin jadi mimpiku, ingin saja aku berselimut dengan si penulis ini. Sihat sungguh pemikirannya untuk mengolah cerita tentang hanya kopi dan catur. Gila! Makanan apa yang diratah untuk menjadi sihat begini otaknya?? Demmm...aku melalui lorong envy skarang!:P

Yep, aku masih online walaupun jam sudah melangkaui waktu 12mlm disebabkan ketidakbijaksanaan. Parking kereta ditengah2 Jonker Street is not what u want to do during public holiday. Maka, aku harus menunggu sehingga segala manusia pulang dan lena diulit mimpi untuk menyelamatkan nyawa kereta aku. Haiyaa...

dan terus...internet sebagai pengisi masa...

untuk teman yang telah ku janji...next post is for you

Me, myself and I

2011-04-29T19:09:00.002+03:00

Dear self,
I have to admit. I'm hurting you with my own imbalace emotion. Sorry dear self, i can't help it to feel this way. Its just happened n nothing can control it, not me n nobody would or could understand the irritation of oneself to had to embrace this imbalaced behavior. The feel of wanting of nothing is a tragic massacre of life. How would i face the reality that have been oppressing my soul deeply, leaving scars after scars, blowing all the beautiful colors in my life.? Help me not being me no more, help me to live without emotion. Help me to erase the hatred n love in one time, so i can never feel the feeling as a human anymore...
Yours,
Me

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

bliss

2011-04-28T18:49:00.005+03:00

H4:M18

Today was a busy day. Tonnes of paperwork and brainstorming, discussion after discussion and migrane as complementary. In spite of all the ribut, am at calm when he spoke to me today. And the smile lasts till now...heeee^__^! Sangat rasa terapung dan melayang bila dia duduk sebelah aku tadi dengan selamba kambing, which he had never done that before..hehehehe. Yeah, well...though its just merely a work discussion, tapi aku suka. Cara dia bercerita dan berkongsi idea sungguh jujur dan bersemangat. Memang tak ternafi zahir yang aku memang mudah terlayang dengan character sebegini. Dah la sopan giler...cakap teratur dan tak kasar langsung. If only...

'If only..' itu sering menjadi sebahagian tata tertib manusia untuk meratapi hidup. Tanpa perkataan tu, manusia takkan terlepas untuk berpeluang berimaginasi, berkarya dan mengharap dan kemudian tertiarap. Seringkali dalam episod-episod hidup aku, ayat itu muncul. Macam seronok untuk menonjol diri dan mentertawakan pemikiran yang tak jejak rasional.

Rencana awal malam ni seharusnya aku ke rumah arwah Leez, tahlil hari ke-7. Manusia yang berlinkar di dalam gugusan kepulauan melayu ni memang arif tentang adat resam dan amalan2 kuno, namun secara tidak langsung amalan2 unik ini menjadi pancang budaya yang sangat unik dan mencipta identiti bagi manusia yang terlahir dari gugusan2 tanah ini. Sebabnya, selama aku bernafas ditanah yang dipijak nabi2, tak pernah sekali pun aku terlihat mana2 keramaian tahlil dilakukan. Anyway, unluckily, aku tak dapat berbudaya malam ini kerana masih bertuankan kertas kerja dipejabat. Life sucks-sometimes!

Hari yang ke-4 ini juga aku sangat berterima kasih kepada kebodohan. Ignorance is a bliss...Not! Masih ada yang hilang akal di tengah-tengah tamadun laissez-faire liberalism (classic liberalism) ini. There's a reason for the existence of the Medical Cert and reasons for the doctors to issue the cert to you. Either you really need to rest to be well or to prevent from unnecessary virus outbreak. I'm totally jazzed by the fact masih ada orang yang di diagnosed chicken pox datang ke office semata2 nak tunjuk rajin depan bos. Ada ape dengan otak kau? Dah tak boleh berfungsi ke? Ni hanya keraguan ye. Bukan statement amarah...aku just, pelik.

Dan sekarang...badan aku dah mula mengigil sejuk. And for sure, ignorance is no more a bliss in life!

tertalkin...

2011-04-26T12:09:00.001+03:00

lepaskan jasad itu
biar langsung tertelus tanah
biar hapus segala ingatan jahanam dunia

kau milikku sayang
ingatkah kau pada aku
yang membelai mu
yang mengusap mu
dari segumpalan tanah
dan hari ini kau harus pulang
tinggalkan mainan-mainan dunia itu
yang kau sendiri butuh untuk tercinta

kekalkah cinta yang kau saksikan?
kekalkah belaian yang kau idamkan?

aku tegar menunggu
tunggu dan tertunggu dan kekal menunggu
walau semacam selumbar kau tusuk
aku tetap aku yang tetap tak berganjak
dari setiap detik nadi mu yang ku alun
untuk indah lena mu

kembalilah sayang
kau milikku

sudip dalam kopi

2011-04-20T13:13:00.015+03:00

H3:M17

Kau ingat kau siapa? Kuli orang macam sapi terantai…aku tak sangka sungguh! Sabar aku ada had dan aku masih memeluk sabar aku dari terlepas bebas. Aku hanya perlu ‘pause the moment’ sejenak. Langsung ke pantry membancuh cinta. Iya, kopi itu cinta yang buat aku aman walau sedetik waktu.

Ini prolog bancuhan itu…

Kurang arif aku tentang permasalahan anak-anak ‘sudip perak’ nih. Mata palsukah? Telinga kayu kah? Atau berotakkan bangkai? Sudut mana yang sukar untuk difahami tentang toleransi? Tentang professionalism yang sering dilaung2kan sepalungan oleh bapak2 si anak-anak ‘sudip perak’ ini. Cukup terlaung sehinggakan anak-anak mereka pekak dan tuli terhadap situasi semasa dan langsung hilang peri kemanusiaan dalam diri.

Wahai budak sudip! Manusia ini semua berbeda asalnya. Kau bukan aku dan aku semestinya bukan kau dan aku sangat berharap tidak akan memaut roda hidup kau walau sedarjah sekali pun jika pusingan itu menulikan hati dan naluri aku. Aku mampu faham apa yang berlaku dalam hidup anak-anak sudip walaupun ianya bukan sebahagian dari hobi semasa, tetapi ada masa2nya ia masih ingin melintasi kotak fikir aku yang sememangnya separuh penuh dengan segala macam cereka kartun yang lebih indah untuk disimpan.

Maaf, kurang ruang untuk fikiran yang bercas negetif.

Dan harus ku ingat, mereka sememangnya sering juga bercerita tentang kesusahan hidup mereka, mereka sama sekali juga mempunyai permasalahan kewangan seperti sukar untuk menukar kelas penerbangan yang lebih selesa dan sering juga sukar mendapat pelepasan VIP direstoran-restoran atau dihotel-hotel terkemuka dinegara sial ini jika kehilangan kartu kredit platinum. Ahh..parah sungguh hidup begini!!

Jadi dengan kesusahan kau yang tidak ternilai peritnya itu bisa membenarkan kau mencorengkan arang2 ke muka yang lain, yang terang-terang sejak azali tidak berlapikkan sutera dan tidak bersuapan dgn sudip perak ini? Mimpi mungkin pernah tapi bukan reality.

Dan waktu ini, aku berkira-kira seraya berhitung-hitung dengan nasib yang bakal aku corak sendiri nanti. Aku butuh untuk tidak meniti lingkaran hidup yang telah sedia ada, yang tipikal, yang normal. Kurang ‘adventure’ dan bisa membuat aku mati sebelum mati.

Semalam aku ke hospital, kaki aku masih sakit. Sudah lebih tiga minggu dan sakit itu masih menyusahkan aku. Doktor yang attend aku macam baik dan berkaliber dan aku jangka dia harus lebih baik kerana bayarannya bukan dikit, jadi diagnose pun tidak harus enteng. Usai semua check up, doktor wanita itu kata ‘mungkin muscle strained sahaja’.

‘Mungkin’?
‘Mungkin’???
Let me help you here. Let me get it straight to the point… straight to your 'Serebrum'!!

Aku tak datang tempat sebegini untuk mendengar perkataan ‘mungkin’ dari mulut kau wahai Pn.Doktor. Aku tak mengumpul wang sebegini banyak untuk melabur dengan diagnose yang was-was. Perlukah aku gantikan otakmu dengan spatula-spatula dan apparatus yang tersusun dalam diagnose room tadi? Tak kan? Jadi, jika sekali lagi aku lewat ke rumah sakit ini, dan diagnosenya masih seperti diagnose penyakit seekor kelinci (arnab), akan tersusun apparatus segala didalam kepala mu nanti. Awas!

Dan aku menyarung jaket kulit hitam labuh…meniup rambut depan ku dan berlalu pulang dengan sebilah senapang shotgun…eceh!!@__^

...dan imaginasi harus dihentikan sebelum bancuhan cinta tadi habis ku teguk.

gurindam metafora

2011-04-20T10:45:00.003+03:00

aku selak naskah yang lepas
mahu pelan-pelan aku selak
supaya tidak jejas rupanya
supaya tampak masih bagus terguna dan diguna
supaya layak dikitar dan terkitar

mahu pelan-pelan menyelak yang berselak tetap tercebis
kondisi apa pun hakikat tetap hakikat
rethorik-kanlah ibarat semahu apa pun pasti ia bukan hakikat
dan hakikat itu pertuturan segala cebisan
pada setiap selakan
pada setiap pelan-pelan

disuatu sudut
naskah yang lepas

terminal mati...

2011-04-20T09:02:00.011+03:00

antara dua terminal itu terpalit medan
si-homo'sapi'an berlumba riang menuding

yang meraja dan yang merakyat
yang bongkak dan yang merendah
yang berkasih dan membenci
yang tua dan yang muda
yang gembira dan yang berduka

seringkali…
menghentak dan dihentak
menyanjung dan disanjung
menghina dan terhina
melatah dan terlatah
melalut dan terlarut
membangsat dan dibangsatkan

dan antara itu terbaris titik-titik sederhana
pembahagi antara medan lazim

langsung tapaknya ke situ
biar tidak terdacing segala
biar melopong melangut hanyut
berpusar hingar terbingit telinga
kaku dilandasan yang tujuh

nun tersudut
jahil yang putih terhitam oleh sihitam
belum punya kesan, belum punya hinggap
diterminal mati

selumbar yg karnivor

2011-04-10T14:46:00.005+03:00

Yg tertanam itu mau diapakan?

Pengikat antara alam alam pendosa

Kau berpaling dn mnjijikan alam alam itu yg nyata kau pasti terikat

Tegar itu urusan aku yg sntiasa atau terizin hayat mnyelimuti sisa2 hidupku

Dan bila kencang lngkah mu utk mmbutakn yg zahir kerana egoan diri yg meraja

dan megah riak lidah mengusul ideologi2 keparat yg kau sndiri lusuhkan

Maka, tegar tertanam

Aku tertanam

Juga alam alam

Jgn hidup berencah selumbar Anra-ku dan itu tggjwbku

Mahu dijinakkan lidah2 yg selebar mulut menghentakmu kelak bukn lg kudrat ku

Lalu tekup saja yg menangis dlm malam

penterjemah freelance

2011-04-03T14:57:00.003+03:00

kerlingan sial itu menghambur tomahan2 durjana

membuak2..seperti virus yg berbahagi dlm sehela nafas

anasir apa yg merasuk hati mu untuk menjadi pentafsir hidup?

kebenaran yg x pasti, dicanang lantang...
berperi seperti penghulu kematian
merunut baik-buruk seperti kau yang kitabkan
kitab apa?
kitab mana?
kitab orang2 yang mencemuh bayangan sendiri?

nahh...perlu aku berlakon utk menyudahkan kerlingan sial itu?

atau...aku jinjing saja cermin sebesar alam??

pelali akal

2011-04-02T18:14:00.007+03:00

dianya itu terjaga
segala nakal hati dn perilaku dirapi dgn keadaan yg berbeda
tak perlu kau persoalkan keramaian yg dicumbunya
fatwa yg hidup dlm yg hidup yg semestinya tidak terbilang hitungannya kelak

matahari melabuh seperti tutupnya gudang langit.... Itu juga terhitung
dan mlm yg sering menyebunyikan sinar dan kerdipan... Itu juga terhitung

maka berdamailah dgn persoalan

semak

2011-03-31T07:26:00.001+03:00

Seperti berantai dan nafas sekadar perlu untuk terus terantai

Dan berpedati dengan pelbagai liku-liku masalah yang tak henti2 bertakungan dalam kolam benak yang semamangnya sering terkocak dengan hasutan2 perwira bencana jiwa…

Kalo bisa katup mata dan ia menghilang, aku ingin menjadi buta atau setidak2nya aku mahu membuta dan pasti aku sering melakukannya setiap kali aku perlu mengendong pedati berantai itu

Sampai bila?

Mungkin kerana itu katak hijau tidak mahu membuka tempurungnya…takut untuk meloncat yang akhirnya terlantun ke gaung…

Dan bila dedaun lalang liar meliuk diusap bayu, galak gerak tari dan merdu nyanyian langsungnya, jiwa itu tenang…

Mungkin aku perlu diusap bayu…

the pillow fight...

2011-03-29T11:13:00.004+03:00

the war within
embed in purity
plush is divine
piercing the metal core of the ungrateful
it soften...
it waived...
clarity upon impersonation
live all beyond mystical imagination
for one true love
within the war

perang dalam
tertanam satu kesucian
kemewahan yg surgawi
menembusi inti loga yang enggan bersyukur
ia melembut...
ia lepas...
kejelasan atas pentiruan
hidup semua diluar imajinasi mistis
buat satu cinta agung
dalam perang

Pembelot

2011-03-28T22:05:00.007+03:00

Puing puing

Ringan dan kosong

Melayang x berarah

Membalik cahaya utk terkesan

Penceria yg munafik

Hayat sepanjang sedetik

Dan kau masih megah melayang

Puisi basi

2011-03-28T21:39:00.006+03:00

Kau pengugut ajal bicara
Pelantak segala ludah jiwa
Ulitan palsu yang memalsukan

Sekotak saiko terkendong-kendong
Menjerat realiti
Menanti saat bertanjak
Kusut dan terbusut

Sudahkan kalimat-kalimat mu
Tanamkan segala masa
Yang terkendong-kendong
Yang terjerat-jerat
Kembalikan aku lega nafas itu

Si pengait

2011-03-28T21:15:00.002+03:00

Jisim itu
Mengait dimensi tak terpikul zahir
Berhimpun paksi yg x bertindih
Meraung segala hijab warna

Jisim itu
Perujuk pendua
Percaya dan nescaya
Usai atur segala
Dokma dokma penghukum

Jisim itu
Cium akalnya
Rungkai segala zarah terkubur
Manifestasi pintu minda

Jisim itu
Satu pengabdian
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2011-03-28T16:43:00.003+03:00

H1:M14

masih di kantor...
masih mengais...
masih mahu pulang untuk esok...
masih dikantor...
masih mengais...

malas yang dihukum...

2011-03-27T09:37:00.006+03:00

H7:M13

Malas mengagung...aku masih di atas katil sehingga jam 12.30pm. Ip4 berdering dan Fahili ditalian. Baru ku teringat hari ini hari bersejarahnya dan aku sudah berjanji2 untuk hadir. Malas masih mengagung...

Semalam sungguh nikmat...hari santai yang sgt bhgia. Petang ke warung kopi dan malam menonton wayang wth cuzz n a friend. Even better coz the tickets are FOC. hehehehss...tp nikmat ini utk menutup segala sakit. sakit yang aku sendiri susah nk faham. aku bingung...bingung dengan yang dikatakan nikmat ini. dan hari ini masuk hari ketiga aku menjalani 'silent treatment' sepulang dr bali...

rumah macam bukan rumah...
family macam bukan family...
sakit macam bukan sakit...
bingung...

mengelamun lebih pas...

mengelamun tarian kecak. tarian itu asyik. penuh dengan kesungguhan. setiap gerak bercerita lepas...dengan jeling2 mata, jari, pinggul dan langkah, sama2 saling bersenggama mencipta karya yang asli. aku berterusan menjilat...khayal...

dan senja bertamu malam. Entah kenapa waktu itu aku sgt2 penat…jasad berkelahi dengan nafsu, bertelingkah dengan angkuh dan bongkak…dan itu membuat aku menyampah sehingga takdir mnyebelahi dan menuntut aku memenuhi kehendak alam…isi perut, jgn kasi lapar!

Sekonyol2 aku pulang dengan perut seperti gendang...puas walaupun aku hnya meratah ikan bakar. mata melayu kerana jasad dan nafsu berdamai. Sms masuk. Dari saudara ku yg menjemput aku dan yuyun ke ruang anjung kamarnya.

rokok+teh botol+jajan+kimia=keamanan sejagat!

malam dalam lamunan terlarutt…

aku bersiap2 utk ke rumah nadrah n ajim, adik ipar saudara ku. Rencana utk berenang bersama anak2 buah terbantut bila all the girls tak jadi turun to swim and only the men went swimming. But then again…girls talk will do..Yippie! dan kami mula berkisah tentang artis2, kerja, masalah rumah tangga dan paling terpaling…pengalaman kaum2 kami bersalin…penghujungnya, aku terpana dan pening…kepala budak bukan kecik weii!!

Mlm pun tiba dan kami bersiap2 pula untuk ke majlis kahwin si fahili. Sampai di kuchai lama…kerusi meja semua bersusun. Majlis dh selesai? Perghh…aku sanggup berlapar ni sbb nk makan di kenduri. Alih2 dh tamat? Sungguh kacang hantu fahili ni…at the end kami dihiburkan dengan joget lambak. OKlaa tu…aku pun dh lama tak tgk pakcik makcik berjoget sakann!!:))

Xlama…kami balik..tapau burger…mkn dlm kereta…client call…trus gi meeting..smpi kol 12mlm. Jangan lupa, ini kisah hari Ahad!

rokok+teh botol+jajan+kimia=keamanan sejagat...dan lewat malam..terngiang suara itu…dan aku kembali kangen…

menginjak pada hutan yang sama...

2011-03-26T10:57:00.011+03:00

M6:M13

tanggal 18 Maret 2011...tanggal aku bertemu dengan pusaka pencipta. deep in benak bumi, segala air berlumba mengalir menyapa akar dan daun2. sakit hati kerana aku hanya mampu melihat, bukan bermain bersama...ok part tu aku hold dulu.

mula celik...hati patuh bersabar dr melonjak ttg perbedaan cuaca yang menyapa. aku kalih kanan...cahaya hidup itu tidurnya semacam bayi...soothing. 'indahnya kau ni...silalaa celik ya'. With a quick streching here n there...then i rose up and went outside. Rencana awalnya, ingin terisi dengan andrea hirata bertemankn kopi panasss dan segulung herba...tetiba disapa selamat pagi dr bli2 rock. lucu bli2nya disana...rambut berceloreng, bertatu pada otot2 kental tapi murah dengan senyuman dan plus factornya....sapu sampah dan kutip bunga2 di taman depan kamarku okayyy...Sangat terkesan!

After segulung, lewat seorang blinya membawa dulang berisi sarapan pagi...kopi panas serta banana sandwich with omelet and fruits dihidang depan mata. Waktu tu, aku bukan org biasa2 rasanya. Waktu tu, aku seorang puteri yang comot dengan bintang2. ehehheheee...

yuyun bangun and join me for breakfast. dia bersama wiji thukul dan aku bersama andrea hirata, asyik bergelumang dengan prasa2 kata. dalam jam 10-11 kami mula menapak. sepanjang2 kaki lima terhias dengan offering bunga2 kemboja didalam mangkuk daun kelapa hasil tangan anak2 ubud bali. tenang dengan kesungguhan mereka memuja keajaiban.

tapak terhenti di pintu masuk monkey forest. dan setiap tapak kemudian hanya berdendang zikir...so unhold now!

Nah!! no words for all this kan? yess...tht's how i feel. and that's how i want my readers to feel too...no words. terima kasih kepada mata n hati...

masuk waktu tengah hari...my cuzin arrived. so we went back to Dewi Ayu to greet him. Lepak awhile and after a puff n a half we went to Istanbul Cafe to meet kakak ani and mas dodi. kenapa bold? kerena mereka mmg bold dan kerena akalku ini belum mampu menganggap mereka ini manusia biasa...hahahahaha...

bernafas udara kraton...

2011-03-18T07:02:00.009+03:00

H6:M13
pas bangat anginnya diubud. yess...antara tanggal 17-22 Maret 2011, rentak aku kali ni membawa aku ke tanah bali. bersama teman kesayangan si yuyun. smlm tiba di Ngurah Rai International Airport, Bali dlm jam 8. hati ni...bukan excited lagi dh...mcm nk terkeluar dan melompat2 dalam puing awanan. Trus, kami ke arah ubud...Mas Made dipertanggungjawabkn menghantar kami ke Dewi Ayu Hotel di Ubud yang letaknya lebih kurang dari kl ke seremban. indah susurnyaa...walaupun malam. i can so imagine the green paddy field and lines of coconut trees along the road in the day time...seperti deretan askar yang menjaga peri bumi lagaknya.

selesai segala urusan dihotel, kami menyusur monkey forest street. Menyasar malam dengan segala lunak alunan reggae dari bistro2 tepian...biar tahu kagum diri dengan tempat ini. Segala lorongannya walau kelam, pasti terkesan dengan imagi2 pelukis tempatan. Cantik! ....dan yang pasti Lorongan Hj Taib atau Jalan Dobi masih jauh kebelakang...

perut melaung...waktu untuk mencari isian. Wayan Cafe satu2nya tempat makan yang masih buka. Harga agak mencekik tapi dah laparkan...so makan saja. Setelah selesai...aku jalan lagi. Kucing punya 9 nyawa untuk menangkis curiosity. Aku?...punya berjuta2 curiosity yang bersandar pada satu nyawa. hehehehess...

teringin kopi...langsung ke pub depan padang bola...

Ye! Pub mengadap padang bola yang dah bercapuk2 macam ditumbuhi kayap. Kagum dengan aprisiasi lokal yang melampaui tamak. Tentunya ditempat ku, umur padang kayak gini pasti pendek.

Bersantai jenaka sambil menghirup dan meludah ide2 dekorasi dalaman pub itu bersama teman dan secangkir kopi panas 2 menit. Hampir separuh timeline hidupku dilipur dalam satu konsesi masa yang singkat. aku sgt puas bila acara sembang itu bersama teman yang semacam kopi, sangat sejiwa, panas, pahit berlemak, harum manis, mengasyik dan yg pasti berada pada gelombang yang sama kerana aku mudah capek bila bicara bersama teman yang tiada bezanya dengan cangkir yang ku tonggang utk hirup kopi tadi.

mula menapak jam 3 pagi...perjalanan menyusur balik ke kamar di Dewi Ayu agak kurang indah kerana deretan anjing2 liar bergelimpang sepanjang jalan...suprise, anjing2 diam dengan hal masing2...'mungkin ini hari pertama detiknya...mungkin esok aku akan ajak kau berlari....'

pulang ke kamar...sejuk. melepas lelah dengan shower yang pemalas. mlm tu, jantung masih lg kencang...haishh..

terbuai...

2011-03-14T16:26:00.005+03:00

H1:m11

Terpanggil untuk menulis hari ini. Yess… aku rindu untuk menjerit lagi. Saat ni aku masih menghisab detik. Hai..bilalah hari itu akan tiba? And when it comes…what will I do? What does it feels like? Makin hilang sabar. Tapi aku memang enjoy menyidai keping2 angan. Setiap balik bercerita dan setiap satu berpaling menyakat mimpi. …indah, tapi pijakkan yang nyata. Buruj2 di badan ni harus hilang dulu ye! Chicken pox at this age? Sungguh uncool. That shall explain why it has been awhile, I have not been writing.

Alam mengamuk lagi. Kali ini bumi matahari terbit kalah dengan palungannya. Air beraksi dengan taksub dan tangkas melenyapkan segala isi bumi dalam beberapa kelip mata je. Aku tulus bersimpati dengan nasib rakyat disana. What can overwhelm us more than Mother Nature?

Dan ramai saja menganggap ini ketentuan tuhan lantaran merata2 menyalahkan si takdir. Baru sekarang menuding takdir? Menongkah ketentuan? Cuba bicarakan tentang turun naiknya nafas…bicarakan tentang kejadian si tanah atau bicarakan tentang apa yang dilihat dan terlihatkan oleh mu…takdir bukan? Jangan biasakan menunggu taufan untuk terus merenung…

Anyway, today I woke up early by the sound of Didi yelling for food! Goodness heaven I have a cat that doesn’t even act like one. We have to serve him...and not the other way round. Hence, the mouse and roaches celebrates!

Felt like it’s a long day for me. Pengakuan! Sangat kurang sabar dan sangat berharap semua bintang2 di badan hilang! Seksa rupanya penyakit nih. I can’t recall the last time I had this. All I can remember was my body is full of dots but nevertheless I can recall the dammed itchiness. It’s driving me crazy now… I swear I would pray hard for not having this pox again…ever! I can’t eat fried things nor seafood or anything that can cause the itchiness. Somehow it would also slow down the recovery process. I don’t know if this is a true fact but takut punya pasal…ikut je lah!

Received texts from daddy in China. Sangat jealous okay! He went to Shanghai…and went for the Architectural Expo, and today he is in Beijing for the meeting. He said maybe tomorrow he would visit the Great Wall and the Forbidden City!! This is madness… I would die for all this trip man. I’d love to imagine myself skipping my way up to the Forbidden City steps… and kick the massive door with my foot! I would dance through the vast courtyard from one end to another or perhaps race the Chinese to the gate. Haishh…how I wish I was there. So many things I wanna do. I even thought of tagging on the Great Wall of China…pasti keren! Hahahahhaa...

Yes. That's how I look at myself at this point of life. So far, aku tidak mahu terkongkong atau dikongkong oleh mana-mana entiti dan enggan berpasak dunia dengan harta benda. Makanya, aku harus merantau...bekerja untuk merantau...

Its okay… jadi biarkan saja sidaian angan tadi…

72 jam lagi untuk menukar alam…yeayyyy!!

the late bloomer...

2011-03-01T08:49:00.002+03:00

H2:M10

Projek belacan. Enak telinga menyapa kata-kata tu. Iye. Projek yang sedang aku dan rakan sejawat menggelupur ingin habiskan. Aku rasa aku akan rehat panjang setelah projek ni tamat. Si badut hilang lagi. MC katanya. Berapa kali dalam sebulan ko sakit nih?? Tensi!! Rasa nak campak je report2 ni dalam tong sampah. Tapi tu hasil kerja aku. Sayangg..ngeeee~:D

Perut masih sakit. Tapi aku tak akan salahkan pakcik Yong Tofu di Uptown Damasara tu. Aku sanggup piket kalo warong itu bungkus. Sedap woo!!

Hari mula dengan berita gembira. Ayah kata dia akan ke China minggu ke 12. Mungkin usaha dia sudah mahu nampak hasil. Aku hanya tumpang gembira. Harap dia masih sihat. Ayah tu lelaki tunggal dalam rumah ku. Harus semua ingin dipikul. Santai je yah, sekarang giliran aku!

I know I’m a late bloomer. Tapi masa itu pasti. And I will succeed. Si Tentaratu baru berusia dua bulan. Jarang sekali dia dapat berdiri. Baru diajar induk untuk merangkak. Sabar ye sayang. Akan ku pimpin sehingga kau boleh berjalan dan sehingga kau boleh berdiri teguh. Laluan kita bukan mudah sayang. Nanti aku dendangkan visinya…nanti aku lakarkan susur galurnya. Memang, cabaran itu indah dan kita adalah mahakarya.

Waktu ini, kepol-kepol bergolak gambaran bersama teman di Amsterdam. Indahnyaa…tp bila ye? Hihi…^__^

memory lane revisited!

2011-03-01T07:12:00.000+03:00

a wife is not a punching bag!!!

2011-02-28T07:59:00.001+03:00

H1:M10

Aku jelik! Xfhm dengan sesetengah ragam manusia. Sendiri buat silap, sendiri buat tohmahan tp salahkan orang lain. Mental ke? Doakan orang supaya mati? That’s absolutely insane!! Someone that is so dear to me is facing this tormented behavior from her immature husband. Mentally abused and verbal confinements are the things that can drive a person from being normal cheerful to becoming a fucking dog! Surely, other people don’t seem to notice as he would masterly cover his arguments. I, on the other hand, felt terribly irritated and outrage as I always witnessed these idiotic arguments.

Kalau macam ni laa lelaki zaman sekarang…maaf ye mammy, kahwin?....letak tepi!

pentelusan

2011-02-25T23:25:00.003+03:00

Girang aku dan girang kau lain....jgn disamakan dan jangan salah erti.
Aku capek dengan prasangka buruk dan tingkah songsang segelintir manusia...titik!

moral infirmity as fukk

2011-02-25T10:58:00.007+03:00

H5:M9
Dem HOT Friday!! Just came back from nursery visit. It starts with wonderful morning breeze of greens and colorful flowers…and ended with a hot brain-melting noon!! Swear… this would be my last visit if the contractor fails to organize a proper nursery visit again in the future. Hishhh…!

However, less that I know that the Sg.Buloh’s nursery was a leprosy settlement. Reminisce of the leprosy colony are well reflect from the physic of the houses along the nursery road. It touched me to embellish my imagination on how they live during the time. Living segregated from others…I can’t ever imagine myself be, not to deprave of their past, yet to a certainty of logic, I would never trivialize the terrible treatment endured by these unfortunate persons who experienced physical changes they did not choose or plan for. It is well shown that the changes in the physical body reflect the moral infirmity of oneself as well as the neighboring. But somehow, I do think some parallels can be drawn between the treatments they received.

Corakkan yang benar!

permukaan

2011-02-24T10:02:00.002+03:00

main tarik tali...

2011-02-24T08:41:00.006+03:00

H4:M9
Sesak…hari ni aku rasa sangat sesak. Semacam ada gasing yang jasadnya dipenuhi duri-duri halus berputar ligat dalam benak. Ada org tarik talinya...pasti! dan sering buat otak ku terpesong. Report yang normalnya habis dalam sejam, arini smpi lunch pun tak finalize lagi. Sakit!

Why must I feel this way? There is nothing between who ever. I shall composed myself and not to rage this soft mutual friendship. I hate this. I hate the possibility of history repeated itself. Looking at my past, I had enough facing the same problem. I once had a good best ever friend which unintentionally falls in love with. Reminiscences of past gaiety seem absolute. I can’t see myself not even for a second not indulging the most peaceful and full of happiness moments. He seems so real in love and passionate. But none of this pictures what we’ve become then. Just a small fight turns all topsy-turvy. Friendship that has been built for years…flow to the drain like nobody business. Twice are enough...Aku ralat…masih.

Tapi kenapa gasing tu masih putar…demmm!

kepala

2011-02-23T10:55:00.004+03:00

masih H3:M9...

suke..petang masuk opis. i'm invited to cantum kepala utk design for institution in KL. paling suke sbb cantum kepala dgn dia. sukee...byk menda ley explore. byk menda boleh olah. aku free berkarya bila dia ade. Dia tu sgt soft spoken dan sgt hormat orang bila berkata2. I think I can easily fall for that. :D

I get to chat a bit via YM today. Something about relationship that I hardly could understand. Family + Friends=Suffocated!! Terasa bersimpuh dalam kotak yang penuh dindingnya dengan lopong2 kecil sebesar bontot paku. It makes you feel more trap when u see there's life out there but it is too hard for you to come out to go and play. Yes...right now I feel that way. Sometimes I just wish I had two different bubbles. Friends remain friends and family just be family.

Tp siapa aku nk control kejadian...santai dan tonton sahaja...

virus detacted...sila reboot!

2011-02-23T05:53:00.004+03:00

H3:M9
malam smlm indah...pagi ni...langsung tak! Mungkin sebab kerang...atau mungkin sbb tempias org bersin. Aku sakit. Hidung mcm raindeer. Sgt tak suka. Tak suka lagi bila teringat report2 yang tak siap di ofis.

tp hidung x boleh campak dalam sungai mcm printer aku kan...? Smlm jumpa rakan after office hour. Sgt happy for her...she's getting married. Comei je...and i'm grateful to be invited not only to the wedding as well as to go n main cat mengecat in her hometown. Yay yay..nnti bley mandi cat...dan harap2 dpt naik train lagi...yehaa!
Hahhh... N now i can blog from my phone! Thnx graham bell!!

Synecdoche : Rumpun

2011-02-22T09:30:00.003+03:00

H2:M9
A bit late today to work. Not enough sleep or not enough dreaming. Somehow, recently, I had a good long interesting dream. A repeated one. Sometimes I get a full storyline and sometimes I don't. Indah jika dpt hidup dlm mimpi. Macam kakak Alice dalam Wonderlandnya. Ternyata indah n mistik…dan penat.

Today is my reporting day. January report has to be submitted before weekend. Site photo pun x nmpak2 lg atas meja aku. Susah btol kje bwh org yg tak bekerja dan suka main silap mata. Pasti, pemain silap mata yang disorak dan aku..masih manaip…

Terdengar perbualan rakan. Tentang buruh mati kemalangan ditapak binaan. Kasihan. But who to blame. Seems like the guy was not well since morning. He fell from 3^rd floor to the groud. Was taken to hospital and died there. Who to blame eh? Kepincangan hidup boleh disalahkan? Mungkin kerana pincang hidup, arwah tadi xmengaku sakit. Harus gagah untuk anak isteri dikampung. Kampung yang sekarang pasti jauh untuk dijejak lagi.

Dunia2. So many of us strive to be different. But what are the odds? The oddity is a norm now. Semua semacam mengejar something yang tak pasti. Teringin untuk membezakan yang sudah. X penat ke?

Pernah ditegur. Makanan barat itu makanan orang kaya. Spaghetti itu untuk tekak emas katanya. Bak menu diraja. Tapi kenapa aku x nmpak semua tu? Kenapa aku tak nmpak yang spaghetti itu makanan org kaya? Bagiku spaghetti itu hanya ramuan telur, tepung dan air yang ternyata lagi murah daripada segala jenis makanan diwarong2 tepian. Nah…siapa yang buta?

Ada juga yang rajin mengkategori rupa. Itu paling sadis. Bertanda dahi dan berlilit kepala sambil bercerita hal orang2…itu ahli syurga kononnya. Berhijab dan berlitup itu pula tidak moden dan tidak berfikiran terbuka. Yang berkulit gelap dikatakan ditindas tapi yang berkulit putih ni sentiasa senang ke? Ada juga antara teman2 sejenisku bangga dirinya hanya untuk orang negerinya sahaja. Perghh…xbley blah. Go ahead girl, the bigger range, the better. Thanks for your great sacrifice. Mungkin pencahayaan kaca mata aku yang membuat aku tidak nmpak itu...to me semuanya sama. Equal. Nampaknya kecam tu adalah hobi serumpun, jadi pekak kan saja. Dan aku pun bukan malaikat…Haishh…

Kurang 10 hari untuk dapat gaji. Sangat x senang. Ini memang norma perasaan kuli makan gaji. Dan aku suka…kerana aku masih boleh berkira2 dari ber-wang seperti toilet paper.

Mode awan ke-9…hahaha..yess dia ade arini!:D

Slambe bangsat!!

2011-02-21T17:40:00.001+03:00

Ah…alasan tipikal lagi
Biar pekak pekiknya
Dia rasa tolol dan membentak
Kau pula diam
Kau buat pelik
Dan pelik itu
Buat kau tinggal dia

Happily bleed

2011-02-21T17:36:00.003+03:00

Dia bukan
Sakitnya tanpa sedar
kau galak terbahak
Langkah girangnya membunuh
Dan kalian ketawa
Sekarang dia ketawa
dengan tubuhnya lebam berbelak
dan kau membisu??

Thesaurus

2011-02-21T17:35:00.000+03:00

Mereka itu rajin membuat kamus hidup
Mulanya dia sangat teruja idea itu
Akhirnya kamus itu hanya bahan
Bukan hidup
Dia tunduk
Dan sengal badan belum juga hilang

terlajak musim...

2011-02-21T08:26:00.004+03:00

guilty here...yess!! its been a long 'ashabul kahfi moment ' for my blog entry. sangat byk aku nk perikan. nk recap semua...aku sgt malas. tp byk ceritera yg indah n malap aku lalui. rasa seperti tidak pintar utk berblog lagi. mungkin sebab udara yg berbeza.

mungkin kejauhan dahulu yang membuat aku lebih rajin berblog berbanding di tanah melayu...ye tanah melayu yang bukan tanah sendiri. tanah yang setiap garis kakiku corakkn seterangnya bukanlah hak milik peribadi tetapi dicatu setiap ringgit yang aku usahakan. tetap, rasa pahit dan manis x mungkin hilang walau aku pilih utk berdiam dr jaringan ni. tp hari ini...aku mula pilih utk berdiam dr dunia reality dan beronggeng di alam maya.

2008...pas

2009...pas

2010...pas

2011...setakat ini aku masih hidup..syukur.

hari 1 ini aku bermula dgn mendapat sebotol Bird's Nest with Fungus hasil dr cabutan bertuah hari keraian kaum cina di tanah ini. bagus ke? aku letak tepi. Either i save it for break time or give it to someone that really need it...give awaylah kot. x lalu nk mkn. had too much of happiness last weekend sampai hilang appetite. funnykan? well, thts me lah.

hari ni jejaka kegemaran dlm ofis tidak kelihatan. waktu hari pertamanya, rasa smcm ade malaikat turun utk selamatkan aku. feels like all my senses comes alive. physic booster. enak dengar semburan idea2 dia. tp hari ini dia hilang. mungkin cuti...atau mungkin juga pergi interview tmpat lain kerana sememangnya tempat ini smcm penjara imaginasi. aku pun x tahan.

sis aku buzz. ternyata hari smlm dikedai kopi hanyalah lakonan. lakonan that makes me think twice to get married. if this is what marriage is all about...please count me out! i'd be most happy for not playing the stupid naive wifey role in any part of my life. sungguh. aku tak suka! jika menurut agama yang aku percaya...
Men are guardians of women because God has favored some more than others and because they spend out of their wealth. Righteous women are devoted and to guard what God has guarded even though out of sight. As for those(women), on whose part you fear ill-will and nasty conduct, admonish them, leave them alone in beds beat or separate them. But if they obey you, then seek nothing against them. Behold, God is most high and great. (4:34)
what if whose part your fear ill-will and nasty conduct comes from men? harus biarkan? biarkan si luncai tolol itu dgn labu2 busuknya? ternyata jika aku persoalkan permasalahan ini aku akan di cop sbgai pencanggah agama. dan semestinya ketua2 agama yang masih megah dengan lilitan dikepala akan mensyirikkan aku. biarkan. sila mengaku shj yang kamu ketua2 megah adalah org2 yang malas menjana minda! dan aku sebaliknya...

hanya manusia yang bongkak meyukat iman...

harap sis ku dpt ketenangan hari ini. tidak mengapa syg...nenek kan pernah pesan..'biar org buat kita, jgn kita buat org'..jgn berbalah2 dan jangan beriri hati...and i just let the words flow all the way. its good for me too...self reminder!

aku harap hari 1 berlalu cepat. aku perlu ke temu janji yang pasti buat aku senyum sehingga lewat mlm...hope it work this time..hehe.

yg pasti..aku masih rindu.

life still goes on...

2008-07-19T12:33:00.004+03:00

hmm...it seems tht my luv life is not really working out again...i'm tired of having a truthful relationship now with anyone. sai is no longer with me...i swung the white flag. i just can't see my future with him. so i decided to break up n leave him...i dun know..maybe im becoming a very choosy n comparative person. i know its not gud but i just can't help it. i'm too tired of giving in, tolerate, giving chances...at times i just wanna be on my own limelight..without need to consider others. peninglaa..buat salah, tak wat pun salah..

rite now, i just move on with my life. i dun wanna think about guys anymore. i wanna concentrate on my courier n my family back home. i think i wanna buy a house in msia. i'm planning too laa..tak tau ler cane. rite now, malaysia is not stable anymore, politics turmoils and econ imbalance. this makes me think twice to go home...msia. i miss my family so much...i really do. but i just have to sacrifice certain things in life to gain certain things. but, i dun know how long its gonna be this way.

yesterday, i spoke to my girl, erin. she's upset and frustrated about her life and worst...im not there when she need me. i miss her alot. all the days tht we spend together...all the endless chats we used to have before go to bed, our pillow talk. hihihi... she was crying n crying...n i know n understand how she feels now. n i know how important is to have a friend by ur side rite now. just to hold u when u feel down. sorry dear, i wish im with u by a blink...

just the day before, i got a new assignment from my boss..to be on site for about 1 month. but ive applied for leave to go to doha. aiyarkk...im not sure now i could go there or not. i just hope my boss didnt cancelled my approved leaves..nak gi party, hav fun n go gila2 in doha. i miss the ol days. i know most people said doha is so dull...but i have family there...all my love ones are there...so i just want to visit them n have a short great moments with them.

when it ends...and other begins...

2008-06-11T19:08:00.003+03:00

Wow! Can't even imagine tht I could still remember my blog password!! hihi..its been awhile..i know. so many things happened...so many things has changed. seems everyone leading their own path..having a new things and leaving the olds...but memories still lives. i miss my buddies back in Doha. Oh yeah...i've moved. I'm now working in Dubai...needed in Dubai...ripped off from my comfort zones in Doha. my fluffy white blanket and my darling tuya2...i hate this company...it torned me apart...sumhow..

I've moved sumwhere early May...struggled with lotsa new things. need to catch up the pace, if not i'll be left behind. Dubai is tuff, really. the people, the surroundings, the demand and the expectation is outrageous. you just have to be on your toes at every hours. tired, lifeless and overfocused...tht's me now. i'm so not me anymore...no more bubbly characters...they sumwhat pushed me to be old...older..wiser?? NOT!!!...i dun need to be wiser and mature...i like wht i am now...hehehe

but sumhow, despite the tidious life im going thru here in Dubai, there's sumone giving me little red blush on the cheek everyday...i myself couldn't believe that it would be a real thing...having a new guy in my life after a terrible relation disaster and an idiotic self-centered rebounce, makes me feels like skipping all the way to office everyday....however, he's so called taken-but-currently-available of kinda guy. sumhow, we click well..and im happy with him anywhere anyhow...we have never really get to know each other really well when im in Doha. though there's time when we went out with friends, we didn't allow our self to opened up... although deep inside us...we admired and curious about each other..

and moreover, its hard back then to be in love in doha...the surroundings doesn't really comforting and its full of backstabbing people around us. moreover, having a sister working as one of the manager in the same company doesn't allow him from having a transparent relation with me. yeah..its hard. but now..when ive transfered. we have time to learned and understand each other...sumhow sumthing about him interest me...he's just too sengal to be true...hehehhe...i love tht!! and all the nyiputz and kondenz moments...hihi..

sai...thts wht i called him. i just wish things would be better for us..but for me to foresee the future with him...its still blurry. i just can't allow myself to fall so fast...though it looks like one but im more aware now...i just love him as wht he is and so does sai...but whtever may come...we just don't wanna think about it for now...just enjoy each others company...

i just spoke to him and tuya2...both of them on their way back to malaysia for hometrip holidays. starting to feel the sebak things in my chest..its so heavy and it makes me feel suffocate at times. i think i miss him so much...maybe becoz its hard for us to contact each other for awhile...but sumhow i think i need to overcome this...cannot maa!! can die if being like this in DUBAI!! too tuff to have life..hihi.

oh yeah..recent updates about my other darlings...kry and amdy didn't came back after their hometrip. sumhow our 'kukubesi' company seis their employment without any notice. tuya2 recently started to sakit pinggang...im so worried about her health but and im happy when she get to go home for proper checkups. i felt so guilty and terrible when i had to leave her when she is so in need...so in pain. i'm sorry darling...it's not my call...it's theirs.

so just last week i met them in Doha...rindu tu..i went for so called personal u-turn trip...hahhaa...i miss erin alot...and sai too...isk..if only i could spend time there for a week atleast...huhu...so far she's the only person that understand me very2 well...and very patient of my kesengalan...she's the most beautiful friend that i've ever known...erin kt rindu erin laa...sgt2...huhuhu~

oklaa enuff of all this mushy2 things...makes me sadlah..their off to malaysia anyways...hope to see them soon..hope to get good gaji and able to fly again to Doha....

numbness blanket...

2008-04-16T19:06:00.008+03:00

Erin’s not around. Dull. Felt the emptiness. Moreover, the office was half empty. Most has gone to the site. Have no one to tease and play with. Only left was Apan – the rigid-skinny-parted beard guy…hahahhaha. He’s funny. Well, Erin is on MC for five days. Damn…that’s long. I’m so bored. I just wish she would be here in the office so that I could call her tuya-tuya everyday…hehehe. I love to tease her and sometimes just to make her laugh. I’m happy when she’s happy. Yeah… we’re like sisters. I’m not sure how she thinks of me…but that’s how I feel about us. Just hope Ms.Tuya² will get better soon. I will have friend to play in the office soon…yay!

Nowadays, i'm getting numb. Numb towards the surroundings. I just feel trapped, couldn't breath...so suffocated. Ntahlaa...just hope life will get better and get busier. i'm bored....life too stagnant now. too stagnant!!

Living in the Circus

2008-04-16T19:06:00.003+03:00

Sharing is a terminology that my boss would use to minimize his overhead. You might feel sometimes it’s just a way of being polite to another human being. Well, it’s good. But it has to have the sincerity in it.

I’m living now in an environment where people seem to share but without sincere. People would always look like they help each others around but they don’t really mean it. Pretenders & liars are all around me at all times. Too much of this can make me sick.

I watched a movie called Jumper yesterday night. It was awesome. If I were able to have such powers, I would move myself away from having to crossover these kinda people. People you would think they are the most wonderful buddies but at the end they stab you dead behind your back.

I was before a semi-ignorance person. But now, I’m different. I have a whole new view of life when just after I broke off with my long relation ex. He’s bad…real meanful person. But, I learn a lot from him. I learn on how to deal with difficult people. There’s so many kinda situation I’ve been through with him. And I really do appreciate that. But never thought that he would turn out to be one of those crazy people. Crazy. Yeah that’s what I called him and those people who just don’t know how to tolerate with others. Self-centered human being. Why can’t just we live on a peaceful life. No hatred, no envy, no back stabbing, no bad mouthing…u know, all the silly misbehavior. Can’t people be nice to each other sincerely? All this trigger’s my mind because of one guy that I met here in Doha. I just can’t believe that there are still those kinds of people still alive and going crazy at all times.

I like to observe and compare. I think differently about people most of the time but not like –ve thinking kinda things, but mostly just a different view. The guy that I know of is such a typical dumb headed person. Whatever he does, is so childish to me and unwise. I can’t imagine if my brain works like his…I just wish I’m dead. Lying is his middle name I guess. He can’t even live one day without lying…its not even a professional kind of lies. It’s a silly one which I can always laugh about. Imagine, like telling other people about his sickness and seems like he’s gonna die soon, but actually he’s not, and asking to keep it as a secret but actually he really blabbed it to others? …that stupid! Can’t he ever think that peoples do talk? Once he seems can be respect and idolized…seems laa…but I don’t think it last for even a day. Plus having the proud feelings all over Qatar, its just not human enough to me. I hate it…I don’t like people to brag about his greatness where actually all were lies. Lies lies lies….why do people do that? Why do people lies??

I think these kinda people, they don’t really love themselves. So they had to make up stories to feel great and accepted. Sick don’t u think?? I felt sorry for these kinda people… felt sorry for the whole world that this type of human are still exist. I can’t help myself to think about how it would go about when you keep on lying…what kinda satisfaction that person would feel when they’re lying…I’m not saying all these as though I’ve never lied before, I did. Most of the time when I was in high school. But back then, it was all minor lies, a good one, come to think of it…hehehehe….but not when you are 30 yrs over and still keep on doing this unprofessional lies. It looks silly and stupid. You just can’t make yourself uglier than you already have. What is left? No looks, no money, not intellectual…and some more no good attitude?? Susahlarr mcm ni…living like this is just like living in a circus. Wanting people to applause to you when you have finish your act… and making a clown of yourself in front of others. Circus!! Just an act!!

There’s also another type of people that I’m confuse about. The type when they like to comments about others but just couldn’t accept if others comment about them. Kira ego tahap agung laa ni. To me, there’s nothing wrong to be commented or criticized by others. It all depends on how you would take it. You can shove it away or you can take it for self-improvements. Sometimes it could be harsh but you just have to force yourself to think it wisely and positively and not to go mad about it. I learn a lot and I’m thankful with my life. It has been marvelous and wonderful. Life is the most precious things to me. Life is something you can never buy and can never be the same with others. What ever you’ve experienced in life becomes your colors and it may be warm and cold ones. It’s like a painting…and you are the artist. Life is a whole artwork. A masterpiece.

the taste of mom's cooking...

2008-04-12T02:17:00.011+03:00

hey guys…it’s been awhile…so many things had happen back then. How should I start this…man, to recall, its a tuff fucking job..hehehe. With me having sumkinda short term memory…I dun think I could cover the whole stories. But then again…I couldn’t fail myself to try.

Well…I managed to come home to Malaysia…its been a few weeks ago. I literally have a great holiday back in Malaysia. Being with family and friends is the greatest feelings one whom staying abroad would have. I went back on the March 12th, 2008. My flight due to depart at night. All of my good friends here in Doha send me away…im so pleased and happy to fly home with a lil’ images of my love ones in Doha.

It was a long fuck up journey. Tiring…restless and on top of that I had to go home with the person I hate the most. Yeah…remember the guy I was like so called wish him not to die…now I think I wish the other way around. I don’t understand why it is so hard for certain people just to be truthful and sincere in having relationship. Well…you guess it right. He doesn’t. I just had to fly with him so that I could share some extra baggage. Yeah, u may think I’m some kind of a gold digger but I know what’s his cruel intentions....he’s worst. Nvrmind, enuff of the unimportant useless parasite.

I arrived KL at about 1330 hours Malaysia time. Thought of making surprise to my parents was out of my mind for days. Yelah…mak dah majuk..nak wat camana? I just have to tell her my arrival date. Damn!!! Hehehe…. Anyways, as soon as my Maxis functioned, I informed all my good friends that I’m home. I’m so excited to meet them and so are they. I mean they sound excited to me…

I was on my way to the arrival gate and that guy suddenly told me that he wanted to follow me and meet my parents. Gosh..have a grip to your self man…I dun think that I am ready to intro him to my parents yet. Apart of what he has been doing to me and my friends in Doha, I dun think he deserve to meet my parents anyway. Its not that as though my parent has a high ranking in Malaysia or anything like it…I just don’t feel comfortable introducing a fool to them. I just told him to stay back and just let me alone meet my parents. So I did….I hugged and kissed them so many times…Rindu….tuhan je yang tahu!!

Then I came home…entering the driveway…the door…man its still fresh in my mind. The smell of Malaysia’s winds is so different. Fresh with greeneries and familiar languages makes me really feel comfortable at home. Yeah, finally I met Bindy. My new cat. After loosing our late Nicky, I felt so empty. But this Bindy is so different from Nicky. Banyak bunyi btol!! Membebel je….but Bindy’s cute.

I called my brother, Achik. He was so excited…I was wondering why. He asked me not to go anywhere and just wait at my house. He said he’s gonna drop by to see me. Rupa-rupanyer nak tunjuk bini baru…..Trueno AE86 dia dah siap rupernye…ape lagi…we went out and he brought me to Syed Restaurant KJ. It’s been a whilelah since the last time I lepak at mamak stalls. Rindunyer…even thought the price now are double than before…I dun care, the atmosphere…u just can’t get that in Doha. Then later that nite, I went to see my grandma in Keramat. I miss her so much. As soon as she saw me, she cried and hugged me tightly. Yeah, I miss her too. Maybe she thought that she won’t be able to see me anymore. I’m scared of that too. She’s so dear to me. Always and never give up in giving me guidance and advises. She’s aware of my behavior and mischievousness but, she never give up on advising me…still…until now.

The next day, I went out with my friends, Aie and her fiancé Bad…and I went to see Sid and all the buskin friends. We lepak and chatted for few hours…just to get all the updates from them. Apparently, my ex-fiancé gone koo-koo. Ntahlaa…like P.Ramlee’s movie quoted…nasib badan!!! Seems like now my ex has been lying to so many girls…he’s trying to be a real swinger now. He been manipulating stories…manipulating women and my them kering without money. Terukkan?? Iskk…apelaa nak jadi kat mamat tuh. Hope he would realize that what he’s doing now…is really bad. And also, he’s been telling people that I’m the one who dump him and now his life is so miserable bcoz of me. He’s so selfish…and self-centered. Have he ever thought about what happen to me in Doha? Never!! All he thinks about is his own dickhead. Anyway, enuff of his stories…its not that important to me anymore… On the 2nd day, I went to Mak Long’s kenduri. Kenduri is like a thanksgiving in Malaysian muslim way whereby we have some kind of prayer recital and some makan². Manage to see my new niece. Sha’s brother’s newborn babygirl. Comel sangat!! Love her so much. Her name is Nasreen Noor Syazwani. Cute..

Oh yeah…the greatest day. The next day, I went to Sunburst Concert!!!! Yay…with aie, bard and pian. We went a bit late coz I had to fetch Pian as he was working on that day. Gosh…indirectly I admired him. But well, friend is just a friend to me. Admire bley laa…:D. I like his personality…and not because of his feature and look. He’s very dear to me lately…I appreciated his company. At least he’s willing to chat with me during my boring days in Doha

So the 4th day of my hometrip I went to Langkawi with my parents, Shukor my cuzin, and his family. Yeah, Shukor came back too…nice. Same age as me…so we get along very well. We stayed for about 4 days. As soon as we checked in, I went for a spa treatment. A full traditional Balinese spa cost me about RM300 which include the steam bath, sauna, full body traditional massage, body scrub, facial and flower bath. Seronoknyer….its nice to manja yourself sometimes. You’ll feel good…yeah I feel relax and rejuvenated. Then, on the next day in Langkawi, we went to a place like a fish farm in a mangroves area. We charter a boat that fit all 6 of us. What else to see in a fish farm…fishes lah..so many types of fish. They even have a big stingray and barracuda. Scary but they are all tame. My mom even fed the stingray which to my surprise, she was never being that brave before….hehehe…kelakar. Then, we went on to a deeper area in the mangroves whereby its time for us to feed the eagle. (that’s why they call it eagle feeding). To my surprise, as soon as they throw the food onto the water, hundreds of eagle came flying above us. Seronoknyaa…it is so magical…the art of nature. Apelagi, snappy all the waylah. I took so many pictures of the flying eagles…seronoknyerr…see I said it again. Hehehess….

The coming days, we visited the Telaga Harbour, a very new big harbour housing loads of big boats and yachts. It has a water frontage with great numbers of cafés and bistros. It’s quite a happening place at nighttime. Me and Shukor always ‘lepak’ there to dine. We also visited Aunty Det’s bakery shop, The Loaf at the Telaga Harbour. Nice pastries and breads. Great place to have tea on the afternoon over viewing the marina. Then we went to the Underwater World, not that nice anymore. Apparently all the fishes are new, coz previously the tank was contaminated and poisoned and all the big fish like sharks and stingrays are all dead. After that, I went to the Cable Car Station and went up to the mountain top the see the whole view of the Langkawi. Nice sceneries but kinda scary journey though. Then on the 4th day, we went back to KL. We arrive late so I decided to just stay home and relax, and waiting for the next morning sun.

So many things to do in a short while. I even have a things-to-do list before I came back. I went for karaoke with Aie, Aqim and Sha at Neway, Times Square the night after. We’re in the karaoke till 3am. Then, I abruptly decided to go and fetch my dear brother, Ayun at UPSI, Tanjung Malim, Perak. I just miss him so much. He’s so cuddly and loving. I’ve known him for quite sometimes already. Almost four years. He whom I’d see I can depend on and whom I feel comfort to share secrets and stories with. Sometimes, you just need these kinds of people in your life. Someone who might have another point of view on our life.

The last few days of my holidays, I spend my time with my love ones, my family and my dearest friends. We (ayun/Aie/Bad/Pian/Prop/Me) went clubbing on Friday night at the Maison after fetch Prop at Pudu (whom I forced to come to KL on that day itself) and hangout at Aie’s place till the next morning. Next day, they bring me to the new place in Bukit Bintang, The Pavillion. Another mega shopping mall in Malaysia. Impressive architecture and interiors. But it doesn’t really match my lifestyle.

Well…that’s all about my great hometrip. Looking forward to comeback in near future. How nice would it be to hang out again with your close ones. Wish I was there at this time…and how I miss so much the smell of my mom’s cooking….

the more the merrier...

2008-04-12T02:17:00.007+03:00

hey...we are getting bigger!! i haven't got the chance to write about our new colors in our life. recently, my company employed more people to join us suffering in doha!! how wonderful...hehehe. Anyway, there's two new guys in the picture now. Aman and Apan...i was hoping the company would hire more cuter or good looking guys...but...erm well...they would do just fine i guess..hihi. This two cartoons...how would I describe..let see...both of them sharing the same room...but have totally different figure. One is too tall and the other is short. But both are skinny and funny. Great to have them with us. We bond along well too...they are most likely same age as all of us...

We went to lotsa great places lately. We even introduce apan our Qube club. hehehe....cute je dia dance...tak padan ngn kecik. The following weeks was the greatest ever. Just after I came back from Malaysia, we decided to go Sealine. Sealine is a place where they have a great beach day out. We had our blast that day.

It was so funny coz the night before we were dancing like hell in Qube. With all the hangovers still left in somepart of my mind...I gathered myself to get prepared early in the morning before fucking 10am. Damn!! who else in this doha woke up earlier than that on friday....

So i did. And we managed to rent a so called 'estima'. NOT!!! its more of proton juara to me. But its okay as long as we managed to travel together. Kry and Ady came to our house to pick us up...then we went to Lulu to fetch Aman and Apan. So all of us (seven) went to Sealine together. It was too early...none of the restaurant or any fastfoods was opened. So we waited until 12am at KFC...somewhere along the road to Sealine. After having our 'branch', we continued our journey.

Sealine...its not easy to find. U might wonder that it is a beach infront of a gas plant. But it was not that weird. It's so far till I cant really imagine that there's a livings staying there. Along the way, we saw mountains of sand dunes. Its beautiful...I was speechless. Then, there's a lot of Super Bike Stations...I wonder back then, what was it for and eager to try it out.

We came to a the end of the road which lead us to a Sealine Beach Hotel. Next to it was the public beach. But something interest us more when we jump out from our Estima. The Camel Ride!!! yeah...i was kinda scared to try at first. But it was really a great experience. I never imagined that I would have ride a camel!! Its a beauty...

When we are done with the camel ride, we went to the beach...it was about 1-2pm. Hot summer breeze... great for suntanning and surfing..hehehe..but not for us. Sunblock is the buddy that time...we swim, play ball and even buried Kry in the sand. Making funny sand sculpture on Kry's body was fun. Then, we picnic on the beach with all this 4 Wheel Super Bike criss crossing our areas. It all came to our minds to try the 4wheels. So, we decided to go to one of the Super Bike station and rent it for an hour. We rent 5 Super Bike. I got one for myself...in which at first I dun know a shit about bikes...fuck it..i just ride it anyway...

It was the best thing...the best moments and memories of riding this big wheels. I like it, strolling ups and downs the sand dunes with the sun setting down and the atmosphere changes every glimps. I just couldn't describe how magical it was. We ramped all the way to the top, thinking to take a group picture with all of the big wheels. But, our fun stop there...when Kry and Yong yong met with an accident. An accident that none of us would have ever imagine. Kry rode up to a steep dunes and landed way down the dune canyon. On my view...it looks like Kry went on to the other side of the dune...but he never came up. So, aman rush to the edge and called us. Yelling at us that Kry and Yong yong hurt badly. When I look down the steep dune, yong yong was under the big wheel while Kry was unconcious. I was so scared and panic...which I try my best not to be at that moment...and even erin was undecided what to do. Panic...we are so fucking panic. We were told to get help from outside..but we are to panic till we cant even start the bike. The guys went down to help. Me n erin was asked to stay, to guide the bike...and not to go down coz the sand was so fine and its hard to climb up back.

All we could do up there, was just calling Kry's name and hope that he would woke up. Finally soon after, he did and we slowly help him and carry Kry and Yong Yong back to the station. I was so frightened. So frightened to loose anyone of us. We are so closed like family and I can never imagine if one of us die like that. I can't coz I love them so much. Then we went to the Doha Clinic Hospital to send them for check ups. Me and others washed up there while waiting for Kry and Yong yong examined. Luckily, everything is all fine...no broken bones and blood clog...i hope not. So then after, we went to have our dinner at Thai Snack. Nice place n nice food. But shitty service.

That day was the greatest day and the most nightmare moments in our entire life. With all that happen, I can see our bonding getting strong. We share the happiness and the sadness together without having any lines between us. I hope this lovely friendship we have will last forever. And I am really thankful to meet this people, to know and to share with them...is the one of the beautiful colors in my life...

my pride n joy....

2008-01-07T16:28:00.000+03:00

What is life...?? is it a corresponding state, existence, or principle of existence conceived of as belonging to the soul or can it be the force that makes or keeps something alive?? or the course of existence or sum of experiences and actions that constitute a person's existence?? but somehow to me...life is when i can feel and see myself in every second of my movements which sometimes has it roller coaster moments...it can make me feel so happy....and sometimes it makes me sad too...but i guess that's the beauty of it. the beauty of having a life and appreciate it as what it may come...

i love my life...i love the way my life evolved. it has beautiful colors and beautiful melody....and i love it. But sumtimes...it can get rough and weird. Like now, I'm having this weird situation. Some people call it dilemma...i call it candy stroke. It’s a nice feeling but I hate it and it can be fatal. hahahahha....it can just make ur head spinning, ur stomach grumbling and sumtimes ur feel like ur heart stop beating. I am now suffering from this and my weight drop because of this. Yeah, I should be happy if I loss weight, but not like this.

Well, it started..urghhh i dun know when it started. But all i know is a few months back, i had the worse nightmare of 5 years sad ending relation with someone. And know, when I just started to learn how to breathe again...someone came and ask for my hand for marriage. I'm confused. I'm confused as this happen so fast...and I didn't have time to think it through. I don't want this to end badly, and at the same time I also don't feel like starting any relation. But sumhow, with this new guy, though things happen so fast, but I’m more comfortable and feel more secure. I'm scared if what I feel now its just a rebounce of my late experience. I don't want to play with people's heart and life and future. This new guy, he's a great guy, and I like him. Understanding, concern, cute and funny, kind hearted...but I don't know if all this are the quality i'm really really search for from a man. I am sumtimes confuse with myself too..apart of me says i need more time and really need to have a booster in my life and apart of me feels that I am really ready to have a family or even a commitment. Weird huh? Crazy/Beautiful life....I like the movie by the way.

But so far, I just let it flow as it is. If along the way things get better between us and all around us, we shall proceed with the next steps. But if it doesn't, I just have to stop it before it get worse. Having to know that he is ill in some way after his confession also makes me feel uncomfortable with the relation. It is not that I'm being choosy or I'm being judgmental, its just because I'm scared of loosing someone again. I don't know how serious the illness is, but I'm just scared to fall for someone that I know might not be able to live. Maybe I'm just exaggerating things...but I just have to protect my feelings sometimes. Enough of what I've been through, being so ignorance towards myself and allow people to hurt me badly. I dont want to repeat the stupid mistake again. And I really2 hope this guy will not hurt me in anyways. I just hope so....coz I can feel now I'm starting to fall for him.

Ntahlah, now when everything seems to get better, there's always a hole in between somewhere. Lately, I felt there's something different with my brothers. My darlings Shukri and Amdy. I don't know what's wrong with them or is it me? ...they seems so distance from me, so cold and I'm like a new person to them. I dun want my relation with some people makes them feel uncomfortable to be friendly to me. To me, its a totally different relation, them and him are totally different. And I know I have to be fair to both...but I am still wondering what went wrong?? Why there is no more cute messages?? No more calls just to say hi and all?? No more sharing secrets?? Laughing about silly things?? It is so different now and I can't help to notice that and it makes me really sad. I went to corniche the other day...I just wanna be alone for awhile. I was back then quite taken with what happened. I was talking to one of them and they can just completely ignore me. I feel so sick and sad of it, and I went inside, got my jacket and go to corniche. I can't help myself and I cried. I just hope they would understand what's going on my mind at that time and I really2 need their support. I don't want to be ignored like this. I hate it coz I never want to hurt anybody, never want to push them away. I miss them so much. Only god knows how I feel. But I know, I can't do anything. I can't force people to be nice with me...and I respect their choices thou its killing me inside. Maybe they have their own problems and I should understand and respect that. But I know I can hold on to the memories. The fun we had before things went topsy turvy...and I would like to share it with all...courtesy of Mr. Amdy...thank you for creating this beautiful vclips.

Tomato & Lodeh..

2007-12-27T23:24:00.000+03:00

I know...its kinda late to write bout this. We had our Raya celebration on the 19th, a bit earlier from Malaysia. I wish my family all the good blessing life and bid for forgiveness and so on. Yeah, its our tradition. Back in Malaysia, we used to celebrated our Eid Adha only for one day. But not here in Qatar. That's why I said its a great December....lotsa celebration and happy holidays. We celebrated Eid Adha this year at Al-Fareej, our boys apartment. We cooked some Malaysian dish like Lodeh, Nasi Tomato and Ayam Masak Merah, Rendang, Kuah Kacang...byklaa tak tahu nak ckp lagi.

But somehow, deep inside me, I miss celebrating Eid Adha..although its just one day celebration, but I guess the feeling and familiar environment wont be the same. I love that stupid one day celebration where the whole KL is empty, where I can just lay down on the street without getting hit by a car...and at night...when all the family gathered...helping each other with the preparation...damn I miss all that. I called my mother, the night before...She said she doesn't prepare anything, just going to visit families and relatives the next day. I feel bad about it, coz normally I'll be the one whose driving her crazy during Eid Eve. I miss that...cleaning the house, preparing rendang till dawn. Hehehhess...now I know how it feels to be far from your family, and how empty we could be without our loved ones.

How I wish I was in KL during the festive. Then the few days after...we went to Qube again. Hehehe...nice Qube!! Me and my colleagues decided to celebrate Christmas with Gina. She's our Philiphino Admin Assistant..which is very dear to us. Being a multi-tasking in Cypark really a hard task. I admired her. She is so obedient and so humble. So, we invited her to party with us at Qube. I had a black dress on me... it was great..coz this time...most of our colleagues came. At first its just a live band performing...but luckily the song wasn't that dull this time. Than, they play the DJ songs...the dance floor hit up...and I dance all nite long...fun, that's all I could say!!

Tonight...I'm blogging at my friends house at Al-Fareej. We are having kareoke thing tonight. Just a weekend relaxing activities with few fellas. Its not really my thing, but I guess holding a mike its a good feelings...hehehhes.. I sang few songs, though my voice wasn't that good. But a bit puas hati, bley blasah menjerit, release tension! Tapi sometimes, kareoke ni can make people become gile kuasa! yeah...gila kuasa deserve a senduk je. But, we can't actually insult human with that sense. Biasalaa...human!!

Ntahlaa...but now, I feel empty. I dun know why. Something is missing...I know I don't feel the vibes tonight. Nothing seems so special, although my brothers has just got back from Malaysia, which I am really2 glad to see them again. I miss them so much...but others...I dun feel like I'm enjoying myself tonight. Maybe because, my girlfriend is sick. Maybe because I miss my family...or maybe because I miss him. Him?? Why should I miss him. These feelings suddenly creeping my veins tonite. I hate it!! Maybe because this morning I've viewed back my old photo folders. I miss my friends...my old days in KL. Argghh...shit!! I shouldn't be having all this feelings now. I'm being too emotional on this sumtimes. I hate it.

Ntahlaa...malas nak layan feelings ni. I can go koo koo if I ever have this thoughts again. Till next time....peaceout!!!

U-turn ke,Vacation ke, hape ni???!!!!

2007-12-21T19:00:00.000+03:00

Perfect December!!! yeah...this is what i can conclude till to date...of what a great time, moment, places, people, environment, colors, weather and all other beautiful things in this world. How I could never had imagine that I could have this great oppertunity to feel this...feel the pleasure of a great holidays...
You see, I'm working in a construction company, which was a totally different working environment...it supposed to be a hard task with crazy datelines kinda thing...but somehow I feel its not as bad as working in Malaysia. I don't really have time for myself back then...But now, when I'm here in Doha, things seems to be different...its crazy job, but I still have time to do what I like n I enjoy the most. Recently, I was asked to do my U-Turn Trip to renew my visa. Somehow they need me to stay one day outside of Qatar to get the visa processed. So, me and my other colleagues went to BAHRAIN!! The company provide us with the accomodations..and all we need to do...just go n have fun there!!
We depart from Doha to Bahrain at 8.30am...i'm so not a morning person, but when I'm in Doha, its like a bootcamp. So, we reached Bahrain at around 9.45am and took a taxi to the Green Gate Hotel in Manama, Bahrain. It was just a normal 3 star hotel, but its just fine to me. I like it. The surrounding are so much like in the 70's. The building, the people and the surrounding are so 70's.
Then, after check-in and put down our bags in the room, Erin & me started our so called self exploration all over Manama. Hahahha...first we went to the Souq. Nice little shops along corridors...Managed to get myself original GUESS purse for only RM60. Gila, mana nak dpt mcm tu kat KL!!! We stop by at restaurant to have our breakfast...and we move on to Seif Mall. Its just a small shopping complex (compared to Malaysia) but inside, they have so many interesting boutique...but mostly are expensive boutiques...the normals like MNG, ZARA and all other similar boutiques were all crowded with people at that time. Ape lagi, join skali laa...ruper nyer ade SALE!! Best dpt borong barang2 mcm tu byk2...I don't think I can affort to buy it in KL. No way!!! I'm not really into expensive things but sumhow, I just like the design and the materials. I love it.
Then, just after 4pm, we went back to the hotel...rest and have a good hot shower. Then at night, we went to the Hard Rock Cafe. Bought some souveniers and ate some good food. I like steak and Erin was having a Salmon. We ate and chatted until midnight and we went back to the Hotel by cab. I thought everything couldn't end better than this....but when we reached the Hotel, something stop me from going straight to my room. Drum beats!!! I was wondering around where could the sound come from? I asked the bell boy, and he said there's a live band at this Hotel Bar behind the lobby. So we went to check it out. It was just a small bar...with only a few people sitting and drinking and enjoying the band...but the live band...my god!! They were superb!! Fantastic voice and performance. The Prestige from Philiphines. They r so good. They even play my favourite song -No woman no cry..then few people start to dance. It was fun. Then went about 2am...we finally went to bed.
The next day was a great day too. We were supposed to mingle around Bahrain until we received our visa number from our office. So when we came down for our free breakfast in the Hotel, we met Henry and Kok. We had our breakfast together and they offer to take us around while waiting for the sms from Gina. They have rent a car so its easy to go whereabout in Bahrain. So we said okay...and we get dressed and check out and get into the car. We were wondering where they gonna brings us too...BAHRAIN F1 CIRCUIT!! Hell yeah!! I was really suprised...we took alot of picture...and we bought a lot of the F1 t-shirt. Serious, tak pernah aku terimagine or nak terimagine ke....dpt pegi tmpt mcm ni!!! God is Great!! I've been through a terrible time, really heartache moments after my broke up thing...This is like a great relief vacation for me. I really enjoy and so very thankful of it...Then, at about 4pm, we went straight to the airport and check in. Wanna look for earlier ticket to go back to Doha but takde. So we waited until 9pm..and at about 11pm we reach our home in Doha...yay!!! What a great December!!!

2007-12-10T19:07:00.000+03:00

Last weekend was a blast!! Busy but fun weekend. The whole working hour on last Thursday was so fucked up! Somehow I managed to get things done…and manage to control my emotions towards certain irritating person. Workload + Emotional Leader + Dateline = Dead Meat!!! I hate it. Its funny when a person suddenly have the power to control, they tend to forget how they manage to get the power and how things was done before…Everything has to be blame to someone else but not them…sick and weirdo brat!! Having to hear daily complains about the salary….is another thing! Duit tak cukuplah…gaji tak dpt lagi laa….pening pale aku. Macam laa teruk sgt life dia bila tak dpt gaji. Padahal datang berpasang tp gaji nak cecah 15K pun tak cukup2…Cam KimK je…Its not that I envy or jealous of the salary..just quit the nagging…our salary is far way smaller than yours….and we never complains. Fuck up people with fuck up life!

But anyway, enough of hatred. Bout my great weekend…yeah..we went to CUBE last weekend to celebrate our dearest lil’bro Mr.Amdy…whu just turn 24 yrs old this year!! Happy Birthday Ady!!!! We had a blast dancing night. I wore black dress with matching silver pinkish shoes….I feel so good n so as Erin, she had on the 70’s dress with white high heels... along with us are the birthday boy, Amdy; Kry, MtNo, Abg.Sabri and friends from his previous workplace – Hatta & Rafiq. The music was great but the crowd was too ‘Gersang’ for me… anyhow they just grab me off from our buddy dancing circle and danced with me. First few dances were okay, but when it gets hyper, they start to mengelabah ayam-like macam tak pernah tgk perempuan. Sick! We went on dancing till the CUBE closed. Tapi, on our way back, I get to introduced myself to Abg. Sabri’s friends. They are from…oh I dunno where they’re from..but one of them is so adorable n cute!! Rafiq…he’s cute Melawati guy…I dun know if any of my friends would have him read this blog, I would be the most embarrassed human ever…and Hatta too..he can dance man….and so sporting. But the most surprisingly incredible but weird is Abg. Sabri. You know, the soft spoken-married and so humble look kinda guy with a clean cute ‘sinar harapan’ kinda face….(He’s cute..really!!) I can never imagine that he would dance!!!! Arrgghhh…I was like cracking out man!!! Abg. Sabri..??? My Yaya?? Dance?? In the clubb?? Wow…nothing could be better than this!! Hahahhahaha….

Then the next day, I woke up late….Mcm biasalaa hangover plus....Friday is my sleeping day. Seronok sgt the night before smpai terlupa sakit2 belakang…mcm nak patah dah tulang belakang ni. Oh yeah bout my back bones…I went to see doctor last week. I sprained my ankle on my way home. To my surprise, its not just my ankle that’s hurt…my back bone too! Damn!!! So, tomorrow, I’ll be going for MRI scan. To scan my spine and bones. Actually, I’ve been having this back pain since I was back in UTM. Tapi, tak terasa sgtlah the pain and never need to go to clinic pun..but sumhow, the doctor said it was kinda serious and need special attention to it. How special can it be..hmm I wonder?? Hehehehss…but hecks…he’s old already…bukan tulang dia patah…tulang aku pun patah jugak!! Hahaha…

Oh..Right now. While blogging…I’m listening to this HUJAN songs. Our local band from Malaysia. I love their lyrics and the tunes are so fun and relaxing…I wish I could be in Malaysia now…waiting for the great RANTAI day!! The events gonna happen on the 12th this year until the 16th. Anyone have great interest in arts and performances of the Malaysian New Age…please come to this event… (Promote laa plak…Akim, komisen ye..nk album HUJAN je..tak mintak byk!! Hahaha…just kidding…: P) Eh…but serious!! I really like this band. They are so good!! And the songs are marvelously wonderful…rindunyer nak balik M’sia. Heard there’s riot happening back home. I dun know why it happen..but I’m sure its not good and its troublesome. I’m scared sumthin’ bad might happen. I’ve known several people that claimed themselves anti-nationalist. I dun really know what make it good to be or not to be nationalist. But I’m sure I dun like this riot things happening in my country. I hate fights but not love. Love..peace…n harmony??

my moon n stars...

2007-12-02T08:03:00.000+03:00

For the next 2 years my Sunday mornings will be a fuckup days. Where I am now, is a place where you need to work on Sunday and the weekend falls on Friday & Saturday. Sumhow I managed to adjust and adapt the situation...and tryy my best to believe, its just the same. I miss my weekend in KL....most of the time I will joined my friend playing street musics using the didge and djembe as main. We made alot of great beats n songs and sumtimes its just gets better when our other friends from all over the world participate in the musics. Some of them enlightened us with fire dance and beautiful Capoeira. I love the scene, the people, the space and the atmosphere...I love everything about Bukit Bintang, Kuala Lumpur. The place I miss the most.
I thought about all this 2 days ago..when I was laying down at the pier in Corniche arina. Amdy, Kry, Erin n me....was laying down gazing to the stars in cold winter nights...The moon was so lively big n bright and it sets on the water with a beautiful long yellow reflection directly shining to my face (I really need the SLR camera now...) I really fell for it...although BB was still my number one place...but this is a beauty by itself. I could never get this in Malaysia...star gazing with friends...freely without having authorities interruptions. Love it!!! The whole weekend was great. During the day, I went to Al-Fareej (where Amdy n Kry stays) to have lunch there. They said their gonna make Nasi Ayam for lunch. I'm so excited and rindu with Malaysian Nasi Ayam. Its a greatest dish for me...Its hard here in Doha to find such delicacies. I'm so thankful, that I'm not alone here in Doha, Qatar. It is so hard to find food to our likings. Then, the party started. Most of our office mate came...which some of them I don't really prefer seeing their faces during my lovely weekend. (dah..dah le tu...tak larat nk tgk everyday!!!!) We ate and playing cards...listen to music..I kept my journal updated with cut-outs photos and sum sketches...(my passion).
We ended the fun day at Corniche..gazings on stars...fishes and even stingrays...I love it...its beautiful. But I hate the facts that whenever there's deck and pier, there will always be the fishing rods...I hate people go for fishing. To me, its very torturing way to catch a fish. Then after, we went to the restaurant on the deck. We ordered 'Chai' (teh tarik...) and some Kebab's to go with...and play our UNO cards again. It was fun and relax...ye laa penatkan keje teruk2...kena laa relax...

But sumhow, I miss my Malaysia. I'm not that patriotic...I just miss my family n my friends..n sumtimes my bunny...yess my bunny which I lost it a few months back. great moments...i'm done for now...i'll be backk!!!

fly away...

2007-11-27T18:38:00.000+03:00

Yay..finally!!..a space to spit..byk menda aku nak ckp…tp tak terckp. Org kata..tak elok pendam2…great huh?!.. Ntahle.. maybe blog ni satu medium penyampai, medium peluah, medium pencipta/pecinta atau mungkin juga trend semasa. Mungkin kalo ade pasni yg gatal otak wat idea baru cam ‘chip implant’ dlm otak ke…lagi mudah utk transfer data ke computer…’blutuut’ laa katakan….

For me, maybe bcoz skang aku duduk jauh…terbang melayang mcm kertas…mana2 je aku pegi mmg ade contengan baru. Contengan ni laa yg bagi aku energy utk hidup. Kenkadang tu ade gak rasa lonely …tp nak wat camana…dah jauh tu wat cara jauh je laa…